Dear 2020
How do I describe you? The year I got chronic consistent dizziness that still doesn't have a cause/treatment/diagnosis? The year I became obsessed with Hamilton and I regularly sing one of the many songs out loud? The year my mental health got so bad due to having chronic dizziness that there were days when I felt really fragile like I could break any minute? The year of COVID which shut down the world? The year where everyone's plans got cancelled because of COVID? Or maybe the best way to describe it is the year the world turned upside down and we're having to accept a new normal whatever that may be.
I started this year having various medical tests and hoping that these dizziness spells wouldn't be
permanent. I tried to live my life as best I could, doing whatever I could to stop the dizziness taking control of my life. I applied for jobs and had interviews, praying that I would get a job soon. I saw a specialist physio and I was forced to give up chocolate and try a migraine diet to see if vestibular migraines were the cause of my dizziness.
In March however Australia had the first death from COVID and things started moving quickly. My parents who had hoped that 2020 would be the year they would go to Peru were forced to put their plans on hold at first for a couple of months and then indefinitely. The state shut down and we were put on lockdown, schools were closed as were gyms, cafes and churches. My church actually had to close it's doors for the first time since the war which was crazy. Families were separated and we spent Easter alone not going to church and not seeing any family which was really strange. Zoom became a part of our lives and it was funny "going" to bible study and church through computer screens from the comfort of our own homes.
My dizziness continued to cause issues and COVID came at the right time as I found myself being scared to drive long distances and needing to restrict myself in what I did. My only real outings were to my doctor, pharmacy and to see my psychologist. Slowly though things in my state started opening up again as community transmission was non existent, except for a hard boarder which meant no one could get into the state from anywhere (it's only now just slowly opening back up again). Meanwhile in the rest of world things were going from bad to worse and I have never been more thankful to live in Australia.
My dizziness however didn't ease up and I spent a small fortune on specialists and medical tests and tried so many different types of medication and which did nothing (the irony being that a lot of these medications listed dizziness as a side affect). It's now a wait and see what happens with fortnightly doctors appointments to check in regularly.
I had hoped to have a job by now but instead thanks to Covid I struggled to apply for many jobs however the government increased my job seeker allowance due to Covid (and paused all job seeker
Towards the end of the year I did have a few job interviews but none of them lead anywhere, there were two positions that I really wanted and it came down to me an another person both times. Both times it was hard and I let the tears fall afterwards because each time in forever I let myself believe that this period of unemployment was over. But God has a plan in all this and I know that in his timing I will get a job.
In July this year Hamilton was released on Disney Plus and I never in a million years thought I would love it as much I do. The musical helped me get through some dark periods and I still listen to the soundtrack on repeat. What started out as me jokingly saying to a friend that we should see Hamilton when it launches in Australia next year has become a reality with me and two friends going to see it in July almost a year since I first watched it. Its been really beneficial to have it to look forward to and we're all counting down the days.
This year I ended up splurging on a big purchase I bought a Cricut Maker, I figured after spending so much money on medical appointments and tests (which lead nowhere) I deserved to spend money on something I wanted. It was really overwhelming at first but I've since gotten a lot more confident using it - I've made cards, so many vinyl labels, made iron on decals for bags and just used it to be creative. I've also loved making personalised gifts for people, gift giving is my love language so it has been great to create things for people that I know they will love. Overall has been a good distraction to have it and I use it at least once a week (if not more!).
I continued to volunteer with ReachOut and did a few speaking events over
Zoom and also got involved with National Fairy Bread day in November which combined my favourite things - sprinkles, baking and ReachOut. I did age out when I turned 26 which means I'm not a Youth Ambassador or Forum Moderator anymore but I am still involved and hope to stay involved for as long as they will let me. I love promoting ReachOut and also helping reduce the stigma of mental illness in young people so it's not something I want to stop doing anytime soon.
Apart from consistent chronic dizziness my mental health has been something I have struggled with and it's been hard to confide in people about how I am really doing. I am so thankful to have an amazing psychologist and an amazing doctor who have treated me for many years and know my mental health. I have cried in both their offices multiple times this year. My doctor has told me that anyone who is going through a chronic illness it's almost a given that their mental health will suffer (especially if a diagnosis can't be found like mine) so unfortunately it wasn't a surprise when I started to go through a depressive episode. I have had these before but never this bad and I've really had to take it easy on myself. I also started showing signs of burnout due to unemployment so my doctor wrote me a medical
note so I could take a break from looking for work and have 2 months off. The Monday before Christmas after yet another job rejection the tears started to fall and they wouldn't stop, I cried for almost the whole day and experienced two mini panic attacks. This was a combination of burnout, dealing with consistent dizziness, unemployment and everything in between. I think I just really needed a cry and I had been pushing down all the feelings for so long. This year has been really hard on me and I have coped remarkably well (according to both my doctor and psychologist) so for me to get to the end of the year and have this breakdown is expected and it was coming for a long time. The reality is that I'm not fine and I can't see myself being fine for a long time because I don't have it in me to keep fighting and pushing myself through these tough periods. Until the end of January I am on a break and I am enjoying doing whatever my heart desires and not feeling guilty.
This year has been hard and while I want to say I have come out of this stronger and I know God has a plan in all of this, I'm finding it hard to believe. But I will keep trusting in God throughout all this and praying that 2021 will be my year, the year when things work out and go my way and the year I can end on a high note.
Despite the many tough times good things did happen in 2020; friends got engaged and married, my cousin had the cutest baby boy, friendships got strengthened, I learnt new skills and I managed to finally deep clean my room and throw out so much stuff. But saying that 2020 I am not sorry to see you go and I hope I never have a year quite like you again. I am praying that 2021 will be better for everyone not just me.
Love Erin
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