The Night Before Turning 27
never thought my 26th year would have so many ups and downs. I've experienced many breakdowns and shed far too many tears but I am still standing. I've had so many job rejections to point where they actually take a physical toll on my body in the form of nosebleeds. I'm STILL dizzy and I am on my 3rd working diagnosis though we can't be certain until we start treatment which is still a ways off. I have experienced amazing friendship and laughed until my stomach has ached. I'm still having breakthroughs in my psych sessions and realising that I am more resilient than I give myself credit. I've learnt how to embroider and it no longer frustrates me when I do a stitch wrong or it's not 100% perfect.
Of course looking back a couple of negative moments stand out to me, moments that I didn't think I would survive. The first moment was the Monday before Christmas when I had a major breakdown after getting another job rejection and I remember wanting to really run though no idea where. The tears didn't stop falling for a full day and I felt like a failure. I remember seeing my doctor on Christmas Eve and him mentioning that he was surprised that this breakdown hadn't happened sooner and it was ok. Then in June this year after another rejection I remember sitting outside on the patio having a nose bleed and thinking this is what rock bottom feels like. I had never felt this low before and I remember thinking that God needed to do something big.
Thankfully to balance out the negative moments I have had some positive ones. The one I still pinch myself about is when I somehow landed a job without interviewing or even applying, days after hitting rock bottom. Yes it's a job in progress but I know in a few months things will all come together and God willing I won't need to rely on the government anymore. Then there's the little moments that while are small they make big impacts; the singing Hamilton lyrics with friends, the sound of heavy rain, helping people in small ways, chatting with friends and unexpected surprises. I have felt so much love and appreciation this past year.
I have to admit that while I'm not where I thought I would be in my mid 20s I am somewhere so much better. I have amazing friends, an amazing job (I never thought I would write those words!) which is consistently evolving and I can't wait to see where it leads, I'm finding my confidence and when I look in the mirror I am proud of who I am becoming. I have long term goals that I want to reach and yes some are scary but I am excited to see where they lead. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and enjoy the unknowns.
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