Dear 2021

Dear 2021, 

Trying to sum up the year is hard. I have had some major lows, followed by major highs and everything in between. I started the year feeling uncertain about so much and between health issues, ongoing unemployment and just general life stuff I would be lying if I didn't say I was worried about how the year would turn out. For so long I have been waiting for things to fall into place and this year they finally did, but unexpectedly.

The first 2 months of the year were relatively quiet, though we did get put into lockdown for a week due to Covid and our lives were on hold for a week. I helped plan my churches centenary which was held in March and tried to stay busy in between applying for jobs and living with dizziness. I discovered that my great grandfather had been the 4th (I think?) pastor of my church which was really exciting and a full circle moment for me. My anti anxiety medication was increased as I just wasn't coping with anything and I was experiencing frequent depressive episodes, this was a decision that was not made lightly but one that has been extremely beneficial to me. I had an MRI with dye contrast which left me $450 poorer and still with no answers. I remember breaking down after hearing the results were normal because I wanted something to be wrong with me. My doctor looked at referring me to an internal medicine specialist but no one would take me on as I was so complex and we had exhausted all our options. I was eventually referred to the head of neurology at a hospital and I began the countdown to see her.

I continued to get rejected from jobs and my body began to take the rejection personally, the lowest

point was when I got rejected after a prerecorded video interview in June and my body just fell apart. I remember sitting outside on a bench with blood dripping down my hands due to a major nosebleed and having used up my limited supply of tissues and going this is it this is rock bottom. I had no fight left in me and I was done. For some reason I posted a photo of it on my Instagram stories because I wanted to show people that mental health can also have physical elements and within a few hours [redacted] had reached out to me offering me a job working for [redacted] It wasn't initially paid but I had hope and for the first time in forever I could see a way out of this tunnel. I kept quiet about it for a month until things were launched and didn't tell many people. I am pretty sure I told my doctor before I told my mum because I was terrified of what she would say! My job description is always changing and I joke that it changes on a daily basis. I used to hate it when people would tell me it's not what you know but who you know yet I managed to get a job because I knew someone. I still have no idea what [redacted] ever saw in me and why he took a chance on me but I am so thankful that he did. Next year is already shaping up to be crazy work wise and there's some things in the pipeline that I am excited about but I don't want to give too much away just yet. 

I planned my trip to Sydney to see Hamilton with two close friends and I was so excited. However, two weeks prior to flying out Covid locked down Sydney and our trip was cancelled. We couldn't reschedule (and the boarders have yet to open) but thankfully we got credit back on our flights and refunds from the Airbnb and Hamilton tickets. We knew when we booked it there was a chance we would have to cancel it and we were all devastated. Even though the trip didn't go ahead I don't regret planning it and it was worth it as I got two amazing friends and we had so much fun planning it. 

I started volunteering at youth group at church in June but after 2 terms it wasn't meant to be, as between work, health issues and everything else something had to go. I reluctantly made the decision to finish up youth group at the end of this year. I did end on a high note and attended camp which was a fun experience and left me exhausted but happy. I do hope to help out on the rare occasion next year at special events because while I am walking away I don't want to completely close the door.

In July I saw the neurologist and was diagnosed with PPPD and while it doesn't completely add up it's
been the closest diagnosis we have had. After two years of dizziness, it is now considered permanent so the treatment is management and the plan is for early next year my doctor will start the trial and error of various medications until we find one that works, along with potentially physio and more psych. At the end of September after 2 years of dizziness I accepted that it was permanent and it's not going away. It was a long time coming and my doctor had been hesitant to label it as permanent but after 2 years there was no denying it that we're looking at management moving forward regardless of the diagnosis. I am officially labelled as one of my doctor's most complicated patients, a label I really don't want but one that is here to stay. 

In early September my parents and middle sister finally left for Peru and the first 24 hours were hard
but honestly Jocelyn and I have gotten into a routine and things are going well. I turned 27 soon after my parents and sister left, which was relatively uneventful and just how I wanted it to be. 

In November I volunteered at Green Team and had a blast, I loved every minute of it and I am already looking forward to next year and planning on convincing a few other people to join me.  

I had a few realisations this year mainly because I had to learn how to juggle multiple things and I was at risk of burn out a few too many times for my liking. The first realisation was that I'm allowed to walk away from things and prioritise self-care. The second realisation is that there is a season for everything both good and bad, a season for friendships, volunteer opportunities and things in general. The third and final realisation is that I don't owe anyone anything, no one needs to know what is going on in my head or why I need to walk away from things. 

As 2022 is on the horizon I am unsure what it will hold, 2021 was so unpredictable but I do have things I am hoping for. I hope that my doctor and I figure out a dizziness management plan and find medication that actually helps. I hope that I will be able to put myself first and not feel guilty for saying no to things. I hope that Barty Single Origin will continue to grow and we can make a real difference in the lives of people. I hope that the boarders will open and interstate travel becomes something we can do and I can get to Sydney for work. I hope that next year is the year that things settle into place. 

Honestly 2021 you were better than 2020 but not by much, here's hoping that 2022 is the year we can put this pandemic behind us and we can all move forward in our lives. 

Love Erin