One Year Ago

I have this vivid image of a girl sitting outside on a bench a bunch of tissues in her hand trying and failing to stem the blood flowing out of her nose with tears silently falling watching the blood and tears mix and drip onto the pavement below. There's only one thought in her mind and that is this is rock bottom, I can't keep doing this anymore. It's her silently giving up all her fight and letting the failure overwhelm her because she can't see a way out of this, she can't even pretend to see the light at the end of the tunnel. If it was an image it would be labelled defeat or giving up the fight because that what's it is, it's her giving up the fight. 

What if I were to tell you that that girl is me and that is a year ago this week. What she doesn't know is that within 2 hours and due to her sharing a picture of herself on her Instagram story showing people that mental health can be physical is that she will get a message from someone asking her to work for them. That she will take a chance because she has nothing to lose and it will pay off, that this person who reached out to her believes in her and will push her outside of her comfort zone in ways she didn't think were possible. Of course, it won't be easy and by saying yes she is saying yes to a lot of uncertainty but things will slowly come together. From content pieces to podcasts to a 123km hike to working full-time things will slowly come together and she will find herself in a place she never thought she would be in. So much can change in 2 hours, in a day, in a week, in a month, in 6 months and in a year. 

People ask me how I got my job and I say it found me, I never intended to get the job I have but somehow things worked out. I needed to hit rock bottom for it to come about and for me to say yes to it. I went to hundreds of interviews each one anxiety-inducing, I got my hopes up hundreds of times and each time my hopes got shattered. Interviews aren't easy and speaking from experience after each one you hope it's your last. I never interviewed for this job, I mean an interview was involved but not in the way you would expect.

I now spend my days writing content, researching things and getting out of my comfort zone. No two days are the same and for someone who likes predictability, it's scary. But I am embracing it and getting out of your comfort zone isn't that bad (well it isn't that bad once you accept it will happen regardless if you will like it or not so you might as well make the best out of the situation). 

When I first started the role I was someone whose mental illness defined them. I was the person who had anxiety and now it makes up such a small part of who I am, I was the person with the chronic undiagnosable dizziness and now I don't talk about it unless you're close to me because it shouldn't make up who I am. I still attend regular doctor's appointments and see my psych and I still struggle with my mental health and dizziness but those things aren't who I am. I'm resilient, brave and someone who isn't afraid to get out of my comfort zone no matter how reluctant I may be to start with. 

My psychologist recently told me that she has seen me grow so much in the past 8 months than she has seen in the combined 8 years she has been treating me. I laughed at first but I have to agree with her, over the past 12 months I have done things that were never possible for me but now they are. 

So what would I tell the girl who had seemingly rock bottom a year ago? Maybe hang in there, but would she believe that? Or you need to hit rock bottom for things to happen, or you will do more than you could ever imagine and it will be worth it you just need to hang in there a little bit longer.

I look back on that time a year ago and I am in awe of how far I have come and how far I will go in the future this is only the beginning and if this is how much I have achieved in a year then bring it on. 

The job story in posts: 

And so it begins 

A lot can happen in a year