All The Questions and None of The Answers

The room is empty, the room I worked in for close to a year has been turned back into what it was. A pile of boxes sit on a table near the entrance. Filled with things I no longer have a use for but I'm not sure what to do with. 

I don't know what I should be doing. Do I apply for jobs or give myself time to heal and how do I heal? Do I shout from the rooftops how angry and hurt I am or do I remain silent? Do I grieve for what could've been or focus on why I had to leave? Do I dwell on the what ifs or do I make myself look forward? Do I focus on this case or just let it play out?

My dizziness is continuing to get worse and there's no more medication we can try, I'm about to try physio for my neck in the hope that it provides relief but the chances of that are less than 20% considering my dizziness hasn't reduced with Pilates or increasing my exercise. My doctor is trying to get in touch with the neurologist I saw a year ago because the diagnosis I was given doesn't make sense as the medications we tried should've helped. I joke that I need to be a case study but at this point, it's probably my only hope of getting answers. Almost 3 years since it began, 3 years of almost consistent dizziness and accepting it as my new normal. This shouldn't be anyone's normal yet it's mine. 

Every day I wonder if today's the day I will lose it again like really lose it. I've had more panic attacks recently than I have had in a long time and each one shakes me to my core, I can't control them with breathing exercises instead I have to let them play out. My doctor's appointments have increased from fortnightly to weekly because everything is so unpredictable and we can't take chances. The thought of running away has crossed my mind more than once, though I don't know where to go - the $600 in flight credit I have and the thought of seeing Hamilton looking very tempting as a way to escape never mind I have no idea how I could afford the trip. My appetite fluctuates and there are days when I need to force myself to eat. I buy foods in the hope I will eat them but they soon get forgotten. 

Everyone says I'm allowed to feel how I feel but I hate feeling like this, so out of control of everything, so angry and hurt. 

I write down my anxieties to get them out of my head but seeing them on paper doesn't help either. It's
not just walking away from this job but it's everything feeling so much bigger. It's realising that in less than a month I will have been dizzy for 3 years, it's feeling like as I turn 28 in almost 2 weeks I'm exactly where I was 10 years ago and it's wondering what reason God could have for putting me through all this because I don't know. 

So this is my life at the moment and it's complicated in ways I never thought were possible, hopefully, in 6 months' time I can look back at this time stronger but right now in the middle of it that just doesn't seem possible.