Dear 2022

Dear 2022,

The year I felt was going to be my year and things were finally going to go my way. It wasn't though
and it's hard to believe what I have gone through. 

Let's start with work, I started the year with a job that I loved but I had to walk away from it in August of this year. This was a job that I honestly thought was my forever job but instead, I am currently fighting to get what is mine and still dealing with the fallout of it. I still don't know why God let it happen and it is something I am still coming to terms with, but I am proud of myself for standing up for what is mine. My prayer is that it will get resolved sooner rather than later in the new year but I'm not holding my breath. 

I have always prided myself on having a handle on my mental health, even when it's bad I can survive it but this year I broke. I had frequent panic attacks, started another medication (which was originally for my dizziness but it helped with my depression) and finally accepted I had major depression (a separate diagnosis on top of my anxiety and panic attack disorder). I couldn't have survived if it weren't for my GP and psychologist and my psychologist finally making me see I needed further treatment. I spent 28 days in a mental health step-up/step-down service and I wasn't proud that I needed the service, by the end of the 28 days I was much better and felt more like myself than I had in a long time. 

This was also the year of accepting my body for what it can handle. I'm done pushing myself to what is accepted by society when I can't do it. I have chronic dizziness, I have mental health issues, I have dyspraxia and I have hypermobile joints and with all that comes fatigue and not being able to work full time or be social when I want to be. There are days when I can't move off the couch because I am bone tired and exhausted and that's ok! There are days when I have to pick between two things because I can only do one and that's ok! And there are days when I don't have the energy to fight my anxiety or be motivated and that's ok! My body isn't normal and after trying to battle chronic dizziness for over 3 years I am exhausted and while I am in no way giving up I am accepting that my life will never be the same. 

Despite the above, I began to focus on my physical health if anyone had told me that I would do weekly PT sessions or twice weekly small group physio/Pilates I would have laughed but I am and I love feeling more in control of my body.  I have also incorporated seeing a nutrition coach to help get me on the right track with food and change my relationships with eating and it helps that everything is under one roof. What has made a huge difference has been finding a supportive environment and I have been welcomed into this amazing community with open arms I am looking forward to continuing on this journey of getting physically stronger. 

Next year I will return to study, which is not somewhere I thought I would be, but I know I am meant to
do it. I have been accepted to study my Cert. 4 in Mental Health Peer Work which will take a year but will hopefully lead me to the right career and one that will use my mental illnesses in positive ways. It was a sudden decision; one minute I was contemplating it, the next I was filling out scholarship forms and attending group interviews. But when I got the email accepting me into the program, I knew it is what I am meant to be doing. The way I see it is that for so many years I have been forcing myself to adapt to mainstream work environments when the reality is that I can't. Getting this qualification will allow me to help people in similar situations and show them that you can get through anything with the right support. 

Midway through this year, I left my church of 9 years and started attending a different church. This was a long time coming but it still didn't make the decision any easier and while it was hard to say goodbye to a place, I had called home for so many years God led me to a new place where I am slowly finding my feet and have enjoyed making new friendships and connections. I'm looking forward to getting more involved in 2023 as I continue to find my feet and put down my roots. 

This year we said goodbye to Jaffa our weiro/cockatiel of 12 years and also Maddy our calico kitty of 14 years while it's a part of life to say goodbye to pets it's never any easier. Our house is quieter and cleaner since Jaffa left and
Maddy's presence is missed but I am thankful to have known them both. A while after Maddy's passing my sister adopted a small tortoiseshell kitty called Molly who is becoming a fixture in our house and has made herself at home. I have told Rikki that he is to live forever because I can't imagine not having (all 8kgs of) him. 

While it can be easy to focus on the hard parts or the big changes that went down this past year, I did have good parts. A friend who I hadn't seen in years visited me for 2 weeks and I had fun playing tourist with her and showing her the sights. People supported me without me asking for help, I had surprise visits and friends knowing what I needed without me saying. I saw the musical Six with my sister and I loved it (The costumes! The songs! The talent!). I did loads of baking and tried some new healthier recipes. I finally stopped biting my nails after 20-plus years of being a chronic nail-biter. I had the courage to speak up and do things I never thought I could do. 

I am excited to see where 2023 leads me but I am so relieved that 2022 is almost over. 

Thanks 2022 for showing me I am stronger than I give myself credit but hopefully 2023 won't be as challenging. 

Love Erin