An honest look into how I've been handling dizziness: Part 2 the MRI results

I've needed a few days to process the MRI results I received and I finally feel like I can share with you that the results were normal. On one hand this is great but it also means that we're no closer to finding out what is wrong with me. I'm not coping and I'm at the stage in my life where I'm not afraid to admit that. I don't know what the coming weeks will hold but I am praying that we get to the bottom of this soon because being dizzy 24/7 shouldn't be my normal. 

So here's how I handled last Thursday and Friday:

Thursday:

The phone rings sitting on the arm of the chair beside you as you get lost in yet another episode of a random medical drama, you answer it and it's your doctor. You get up and go to your room as he tells you that the MRI came back normal that there's nothing wrong with your brain to explain the dizziness. You somehow manage to choke back the tears as you tell him you will see in a weeks time and that he needs to think of something anything to look into. The tears slowly start to fall, you choke out to your mum that your brain is fine and the relief washes over her face meanwhile the sadness washes over your own. You didn't want a tumour or to have MS or anything but you wanted answers. The dizziness has gotten steadily worse and you don't know how much longer you can go on like this. For the second time this week you breakdown the tears won't stop falling, you wonder if the dizziness is all in your head and if you're making it up when you know you're not. You message some close friends not ready to tell anyone else and they provide you with support that you don't feel worthy of. You want answers you need answers but you're unsure what the next steps are. Do you go back to the neurologist? Do you repeat the heart tests? Do you look interstate for experts? You feel like you're missing something but you have no idea what. You pour out your feelings onto pieces of paper knowing that on Tuesday you will present them to your concerned psychologist because you're slowly breaking and you need proof that you aren't coping. You try look at articles regarding dizziness and to see if anything jumps out at you but nothing does, you wonder if there will ever be an explanation as to why you are feeling the way you feel. You eventually go to bed and try to sleep, it's a restless sleep. 

Friday:

The next day you wake up with a headache and you go through the motions of having breakfast, taking more panadol and trying to make yourself feel human. You go through the documents you have saved on your laptop, the ones that keep a record of all the tests you have had and specialists you have seen. You work out when the dizziness has increased again and write it down and write down what you know about the dizziness, you print out copies of it to give to your doctor next Thursday. It helps to see it all written down but it also shows you just how much you dealt with trying to get answers. You meet a friend for some retail therapy and you have a great time, it's the distraction that you needed. You come home and are eventually able to access the radiologists report regarding the MRI and it says multiple times that everything is unremarkable. Your anxiety starts to flair up and you long to run somewhere anywhere but you can't runaway or escape your body. The tears start to fall again and you try to blink them away, you consider ringing up your doctor but what would you even say that can't wait until Thursday. You need to bake, you need something to distract you because if you don't get a distraction you know that you will fall apart again. You can't keep living with this dizziness but the reality is that there's not much more alternative other than to pray that your doctor has some sort of way to move forward, for now you will continue to take it one step at a time because that's all you can do.