It's ok to be Angry

I am feeling a lot of anger lately and it's exhausting. I wish I could switch it off but since increasing my anxiety medication it seems like my body is taking my tears and hopelessness and turning it into anger. Which is completely justified according to my doctor because I am allowed to be angry. If anyone was in my position of consistent dizziness that was increasing and medical tests keep coming back fine they would be angry as well. I've worked really hard to decrease my anger and I don't want to feel angry but at the same time it's not healthy push it down and keep it hidden.

A few weeks ago I got an email telling me that I had been shortlisted for a job and I was so excited but due to circumstances they were pausing the job application process until the 19th (today). Then today I get an email saying that its now on hold for an indefinite amount of time and it was a blow I didn't need. I tried to call the organisation to get some clarity and my phone calls wouldn't go through and when I used the organisations main number and go through to someone I had to leave a message (which still hasn't been returned). The anger that was kept hidden started to bubble up and I found myself when I was driving my praying turning to yelling at God (I like to pray to God when I drive). I needed to let everything out, the anger at the multiple job rejections, the anger at getting my hopes up once again and letting myself feel crushed, the anger at medical tests showing up nothing and specialists having no idea what is wrong with me and the anger of the unknown. Then more anger spilled out; anger at people who get jobs easily, anger at those who have bodies that work and aren't medical mysteries, anger at those who got the jobs I so badly wanted, anger at those who think finding a job should be easy and think I'm making excuses for not finding work and anger at those who don't see my dizziness as an issue. 

I don't want to be angry at God but here I am because my life sucks (I'm not going to sugar coat it) and it's not getting better and I can't see this ending. I want a job, I need a job, I want a purpose, it doesn't have to be in the community services sector at this point in time I will take admin work. I need this dizziness to get better or at the very least some sort of treatment to work or a reason as to why I am feeling like this, I can't keep living like this and the longer it goes on the more the cracks show. So I let myself be angry because it feels good to let it out and I let myself scream and yell because holding it in isn't doing me any favours. 

So tomorrow I will wake up and let myself feel the anger when it comes but I will also remind myself that God has a purpose in all this and I will continue to trust in him even when the anger is clouding my judgement and I can't see a way out.