Monday, May 28, 2012

A world without love

I've been reading this book, its set in a dystopian society where they think love is the root of all problems so when you turn 18 you have this procedure that rids you of 'love' (instead you get matched to someone of the opposite sex who you then marry and the government decides on how many kids you have ect). Though this book is interesting its sad, a world without love is like a world without air you need it to breath to form relationships with people to really live. God created love and through his love he sent his son to die on the cross for us so that we might have eternal life (I think I just quoted John 3:16 without realising it). Sure love can make people do crazy things, but its truely beautiful and almost magic, the way a mother can love a child, how a couple can love each other for over 60 years, how to siblings can go from fighting to hugging in a matter of minutes. Love should never be messed with and I hope the reality in the book doesn't come true.
Honestly a world without love? That is almost too sad to think about.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

25 Random things

A few bloggers are doing 25 random things so I thought I would join in :) so here are 25 random things about me :)
  1. I always have to whole number in my bank account, by whole I mean $50 or $100 (anything that ends in '0') I can never have $55 or $102 if I do I will purposely go and buy something to make it a whole number.
  2. I rarely do not like teachers or lecturers but if (and when) I do I dread going to class and will complain big time.
  3. I read the beginning of the book first then the end chapters then start where I left off at the beginning of the book.
  4. I used to be able to go in winter wearing only a T-Shirt and jeans but now I need a few hundred layers on.
  5. My cats like to control my life by saying that I mean they wake me up on weekends, then play my shoes/whatever else they can get their paws on and then follow me around. It drives me mad at times but it never fails to not make me smile.
  6. I hate it when people leave their dishes in the sink unwashed and the water goes cold, it always happen when I just happen to be at TAFE for the morning and I come home and I find the sink like that.
  7. I always get Maddy and Chickpea mixed they both look kinda alike and are similar in size.
  8. The other day I did a random survey as I felt sorry for the guy doing it. I have no idea why I felt sorry for the guy but I just did.
  9. I like to buy my Mummy things because she does so much for me and doesn't get enough credit for what she does.
  10. My Grandma has dementia and parkinsons and because of that rings up 2-7 times a day, it has gotten to the point that if the phone rings between a certain time me and my sister know that its her calling.
  11. I honestly cannot see myself moving out of home in the next few years and my parents are in no hurry to kick me out which is good :)
  12. I want to wear my ball gown again so bad but have no place to wear it.
  13. I work better if I listen to music. Sometimes its a christian artist, other times its a soundtrack from a favourite movies and other times its Glee, it all depends on my mood.
  14. I talk to myself alot when I am home alone, it helps me process things and work through problems.
  15. I thought I would miss high school way more than I do. I miss certain things about it (like some of the teachers and classes) but not it as a whole.
  16. I never wanted to get my ears pierced as a little girl then when I was 10 I decided I wanted to so I got them done for my 11th birthday and then decided to get them piecred a second time when I was 15. 
  17. I only were silver (as in the tone and the metal) jewellery. Gold just doesn't suit me at all.
  18. I want to pay for my mum to do nursing at TAFE as I know she will be good at it (she also wants to do it).
  19. I got my mum into collecting mushrooms for the garden. I convinced her to buy my grandfather one for Christmas one year and now that we are selling the house he and my grandma lived it (my grandma is in a nursing home now) she brought it home and placed it in the garden and thought it looked lonely so bought another one and now we have a collection (and we are starting to add gnomes to it).
  20. I love fairy tales that have been modernised, there is a new TV series that has just started called Once Upon a Time and I am loving it :).
  21. I hate it when people ask me if its hard having a sister with Down Syndrome, its all I've ever known and yes at times it is challenging but it has never been hard. In Megan's case she brings us entertainment and always manages to make our days somehow, the other day as I was walking down the road to the bus stop she called out 'Bye Erin love you!' it took ages for me to loose the smile that was on my face.
  22. The only exercise I do is walk to and from the bus stop which doesn't seem like much but it equals around 30-40 minutes of excercise per day.
  23. A young high school guy offered his seat to me on the bus today and it honestly made my day.
  24. I wanted to be a florist from the time I was 8 onwards, but eventually let go of the dream as it involved early mornings and I have bad hay fever which would mean I would always be sneezing!
  25. I am currently counting down the weeks until I finish TAFE, after this week I only have 5 more :D

Friday, May 11, 2012

Surviving Anxiety

I have honestly had this post on my mind for ages, its not a secret that I suffer from anxiety and it honestly doesn't bother me anymore if people know I need to take medication for it, but I thought I should go back to beginning when it started and how I managed to overcome it.

I have ALWAYS been anxious and emotional as a kid and I guess like all my parents my parents thought it just my nature. I hated things out of routine, loathed them even sports and swimming carnivals? I would try anything to get out of them and sometimes even cried because I hated them so much. Swimming lessons? Dreaded them. School camps? Dont get me started. For the first week of the new school year and building up to it I would be emotional and on the first day couldn't eat due to nerves (it still happens to me on the first day of anything new) and that would sometimes continue for days and sometimes even weeks after going back to school, first day of term would be similar.

My Mum decided to take me to natropath when I was 6 or 7 as one of her friends daughters who was anxious alot had had great results from her, I don't remember much but she gave me theses sweet white hundred and thousand pills that I had to put under my tounge each night. It didn't give any major results so we stopped going.

My anxiety levels stayed the same but at the end of year 6 (I was 11) just as I was hitting puberty it got worse, I can remember the day. We had a camp at the zoo that night and I was feeling emotional about it and more anxious than normal, I still went to the camp and had fun (after a few teary moments of course) but that was when things changed. Year 7 things went downhill so my parents took my to a child psychologist to see if he could, the thing is with people who have anxiety like mine once your anxiety gets going its often hard to put strategies into practice (the best bet is to learn stratergies to stop it when you feel it coming on) at the time we didn't realise but I would eventually need medication for it. I felt so uncomfortable with the psychologist I'm sure he was a nice man but I was an 11 (going on 12) year old girl in a room with a man I didn't know (even after a few sessions I still didn't feel confortable and was always on edge), so I would anxious to go see him and only by the end of the session did I feel normal and begin to open up. It was safe to say I dreaded going and it was only after a year 7 camp did we realise that it wasn't helping.

Year 7 camp was something I was NOT looking forward to going on, I honestly spent the week before crying and threatening to run away (a threat I would yell many more times but never follow through on) but of course I had to go. I didn't sleep much the night before and didn't eat much for breakfast before going, I got on the ferry (it was on a near by island located 30 minutes away) and plasted a smile on my face which stayed on my face for the rest of the day. At dinner that night I burst into tears I wanted to go home of course the teachers had no idea what to do, so rang my parents my mum who had always loved camps as a kid told the teachers to tell me to enjoy it and that there was no reason for me to be homesick and if I went home I would later regret it. My anxiety of course won the battle so the next morning at lunch time I was back on a ferry (with a teacher) heading home. For a few months after that incident I did regret not staying, but looking back now there was no way I could've survived the week due to how bad my anxiety was. I went back to the psychologist and he said the things my parents had already figured about as to why I was homesick, it was safe to say he wasn't the mircle worker my parents had hoped.

 At the start of high school we knew this would bring its challenges to me but we didn't think what would happen would be this bad. First day went fine second day distaster struck and I burst into tears in a class and was sent to the student office, I didn't go to school the next day either and the following day after spending most of my classes crying it was decided that for the following week I would gradually build up to full classes. During this all the teachers were understanding but there was one I rememebered who made me sit outside and showed no sympathy he actually told me off for crying (I couldn't help it!) and told a fellow teacher off for showing some sympathy to me while I was outside thankfully the student office was alerted to this and I was able to spend the rest of the class inside the office (I think they were all shocked). This was when I went to my current doctor and as a family (my parents and I) decided that I would need to take medication for my anxiety. The way it was explained to me was that like someone with diabetes needed insulin to function I needed medication to function. The rest of the year had its hiccups and I was bullied and threated to run away a few more times. Kids can be so mean in high school I rememeber one class I had had a bad morning (threatened to run away and was very emotional) and came to school late and still crying and the doors could lock from the inside as soon as I approached the class room one of the kids at the back shut and locked the door from the inside right in my face and the rest of the class laughed.

So the next year my parents decided to try a private school. My Dad was overseas when the new school year was to start so that left my mum to handle seeing me off to school, first day went fine the next two weeks? Disaster! It was like my anxiety had returned and it was twice as strong as it was before the medication, I threaten to run away daily because I didn't want to go to school. I know it hurt Mum (and my sisters) heaps. Thankfully a week after Dad returned things began getting back on track. I met a great conselour through the school who helped me survive the rest of high school and became a great friend and mentor (I was her first real case at the school) I managed to go on my year 9 camp if only for one out of the two nights but to me that was a big acheivment.

The rest of high school my anxiety troubled me on and off but it never controlled my life like it had in years 7-(the beginning of) 9. I managed to go on my year 11 for all of it and had a great time. Honestly my parents (and my doctor) were very proud of the progress I was making.

Thats not to say I still haven't had my troubles, all mental illnesses are linked to each other so people who have depression can have anxiety and people with anxiety can have minor OCD. Last year I was depressed and though it was hard I managed to get through it by myself, it wasn't easy and took alot of work on my part but I got through it.

I will always have anxiety but whether or not I will always need medication for it only time will tell. My doctor recently admitted that he and parents wondered whether I would make it to year ten or not and that for to have graduated high school having had bad anxiety is a major acheivement. Looking back I owe surving anxiety to: my parents and sisters for standing by me during the touch times, my wonderful doctor who has been able to see me when I was at my worst no matter how busy he is, my conselour (who is still a dear friend) for teaching me ways to cope with anxiety and always being there for a chat and my close friends standing by me and saying that I'm not a failure when I feel I am because of my anxiety. I'm not afraid to say that I have anxiety, its apart of me whether I like it or not. 

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Just a bump in the road.

I am so sorry for not posting at all this past week, the main reason has been because my anxiety has been playing up.
For some reason on Monday morning I felt a bit teary/emotional but went to TAFE and hoped that the feeling would pass, it didn't as soon as I walked into TAFE I burst into tears so ran into the bathroom and tried to calm myself down. Of course as soon as I walked into class the tears began again, thankfully I had the lecturer that had been with me when I had my anxiety at the beginning of the year (the lecturer I should've had wasn't there for some reason) and she was very understanding and said it wasn't my fault and made me go home to rest (I spent most of the bus trip home wearing my sunglasses to hide my tears though I am pretty sure everyone could tell I was crying). I spent the rest of day being mad at myself for letting my anxiety get in the way of TAFE, I told myself over and over again that I had no reason to be anxious and that tomorrow was a new day and that it would be better. My parents have always been very understanding about my anxiety and were as confused as I was, as to why I was being like this (I had no clue what so ever). So the next day get off the bus to walk to my TAFE campus (its on the other side of a oval) and the tears begin once again walk into class with tears streaming down my face. Once again the lecturer I had (a different one to the day before) was very understanding and as it was prac I said I was worried if I went home I wouldn't catch up, my lecturer said as long as I am willing to work she would help me catch up and that the anxiety wasn't my fault (she has been lecturing for over 30 years so has seen it all). I had an excursion with the same class the next day and she said that I could miss it as it wasn't going to do me much good at all. By this point my parents and I had no idea what was going on so they booked me into my doctor (who managed to fit me into his lunch break) who gave us 3 solutions: Leave it which clearly wasn't going to work as I had TAFE and my anxiety was stopping me from functioning or prescribe me some medication to take until the anxiety passes or double the current medication I am on for a small period of time until the anxiety passes. We all decided to number two with an option to do number three if the medication didn't work. Well the medication he prescribed managed to knock me out (one of the effects it said it would cause was drowsiness which is cleary did).

Even though I had TAFE on Thursday I decided to start a fresh week on Monday and to allow a good few days for the medication to work, well I decided to lie on the couch with a pillow and blanket and dosed off for just under 5 hours. I NEVER sleep during the day so this was strange, (I honestly have no idea how I could sleep that long during the day) and my parents and I decided to try number three and not take the medication my doctor had prescribed. My doctor told my mum that if I was sleepy and couldn't function will on the medication to switch to option 3 as he trusts my parents judgement, also a few years ago I was on a similar medication for the same reason (my anxiety flaring up) and that made me sleepy back then and didn't really work so he knew that it could happen again.

I am going to see my doctor this coming Wednesday to give him an update on the situation. As to why my anxiety flared up, we have no idea though the virus that I had last week could've made it flare up but thats just a therory. Whats important is that we are dealing with it and that soon I will be back to normal.