Friday, February 15, 2013

Decisions big and small

Sometimes I wish decision making in life was as easy as tossing a coin but its not. When I was 9 my parents had to make a decision to move up to the city or stay in the small town we lived, my dad had been offered a job in the city. I think they knew that after 2 years of my Dad working odd jobs that they should take it even though it meant uprooting our whole family (along with fish, a cat and a bird) and leaving the quiter life. That was almost 10 years ago now and it was the right decision even though I had to change schools and get used to the busier way of life.

Every day we make decisions from what we eat for breakfast and what we wear and how we act. Yesterday was Valentines Day and I find it stupid, I will say this many times: If a guys likes me he can tell me on any day and I seriously don't care how they do it: over text, email, Facebook, phone or in person. So I decided I might as well put on one of my favourite dresses, spritz myself with my favourite perfume and put a bit of makeup on, I just felt like it. Then when I got into the city I had 30 minutes to kill before my bus so I thought might as well browse some shops which ended up with me posing in a photo booth the shopping centre had put on, laughing and having a fun time. I made the decision to not focus on all the lovey dovey stuff but rather make the most of the day for what it was. This was a small decision that I made.

Sometimes we have to make decisions that will affect our future (these are under the big decisions catergory), like the one my parents had to make. Since turning 18 I have had to make alot of decisions on my future like do I apply to full time or part time work? What do I need to focus on with my physchologist to get up working? Do I switch employment agencys (I ended up switching)? Do I return to TAFE? Just to name a few. Thankfully I haven't had to make any major decisions yet (which I am thankful for).

Sometimes I wonder how I will cope when faced with a major decision. But being a Christian you just have to realise that sometimes God makes the decisions for you and other times you need to commit the decisions to the lord. Life isn't meant to be easy and decisions are a big part of life but if you have God he will guide you and will help you when the time comes on making those big decisions.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Nothing is ever a suprise to God

I'm not going to lie I am seriously having trouble seeing where God wants me at the moment and I doubt I will ever truely see where God wants me until after it all settles.

When I was in year 10 we had to choose subjects for year 11 and pretty much pick what way we wanted our future to go. I wanted to work in childcare so I tried to choose subjects that worked with that along with computing as it would give me more points to get into TAFE on one of the grid lines the only option was Business Studies (it was either that or phys ed studies which there was no way on earth I was going to do that). I was unsure of it but thought why not I'm sure it will be useful at some stage in my life. Year 11 I was still certain I wanted to work in childcare so when it came to select the subjects for the following year I just switched Politics and Law to art and kept the rest the same. I went through the first half of Year 12 still thinking that I wanted to work in Childcare. Then I had a two week exam break and for a girl who only had one exam meant I had 9 days of 'holidays' my parents had other ideas though. So it was decided I would spend the other 9 days doing work experience at a council this made me realise that I really didn't have the patience for kids and was much suited for admin work. Even thought at the time of choosing my subjects for year 11, I had no desire to study business after school God planned that I would.

Because of that event (or events) I know that I am right where God wants me to be. We should never doubt God though its easy to. So regardless of how hard it is for the time being I know when the time is right God will give me a job.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Judging a book by its cover

All my life I have been judged, I have been known as 'the pastors' daughter up until this time last year the one who doesn't swear, heaven forbid she drink alcohol or kiss a guy who isn't a Christian. I have been introduced so many times as 'Our pastors oldest daughter' and it has sucked. In Christian circles as soon as people here my last name at least one of them knows my Dad (or my uncle or my grandparents).  I doubt many of them would guess that I have suffered with depression and anxiety, that I have been temped to self harm and kill myself, that I have been bullied because of being Christian and have been judged so many times because of it.

The bible tells us not judge one another yet so many Christians do . They judge us on what we're wearing (that skirt is a bit to short, that top is on the revealing side, that dress is a little bit too tight ect), if we swear at times, what music we listen to and what we watch. They judge us on how hard our lives are (its not their business to). Its like judging a book by its cover which so many of us do (don't deny it), The Bible is a great example, so many publications of it look boring and plain, yet the story inside it is amazing and the greatest story ever written. Jesus never judged people by their covers, he hung out with the beggers, sick, prostitutes and anyone considered unclean by the Jews standards, rather he judged their hearts and saw how much they were suffering because no one would give them a chance. Rather than judging people on what we see we should focus on the inward appearance and realise that everyone deserves a chance no matter what.

I have learnt to refuse to let the people who judge me get to me and rather focus on the people who are willing to get to know me. We should all learn that everyone has another story we just have to get to know them to find it.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Anxiety will never define me

There are certain things that make 'me'. How I love cats and can't imagine not having one or two or three in my life. How I read books till midnight and beyond not caring that in the morning I have a busy day. The scent of Nina by Nina Ricci perfume. Piles of books lying in everywhere in my room. The quotes and various pictures on my bedroom door and the 'artworks' of words and pictures from magazines glued onto card surrounding my mirror. How I always wear shoes around the house and even when I am sick get changed out of my pjs. The small collection of all things Little Miss Chatterbox (at least I admit I am one) around my room including the 3 stuffed versions on my bed. The colours pink and green and how they make me relaxed and happy. Psalm 27. The word 'wait' I often write on my wrist in black eyeliner along with Psalm 27 under it. Watermelon body shop lipbalm. How my hair gets natural highlights in summer. Diet Coke. My ipod filled with various Christian singers, Glee and a few random sound tracks from films. How I don't normally wear makeup yet when I'm out I will wear lipgloss and lipstick. How I bake bread when I have had a bad day. How at least once a week I bake up a treat just for the sake of it. Writing. How I always carry a pen and notebook with me.Loving God. Anxiety.

The above are only some of things that make me me yet the last one I find often defines me. I have always been open about my anxiety, to me its something I have to live with even though I don't want it. When I say I have anxiety often people tense up or switch the subject and thats that. I am proud of how far I have come with it and there are times when I need to remind myself of small things I have acheived. Things like graduating high school, winning computing awards, completing my certificate 3 in Business Studies and surviving my year 11 camp are all things I doubted I would complete due to it. If you had met me when I was 12 you would understand how bad I was (and to say it was bad is an understatment).

My extended family is full of high acheivers and I used to get so annoyed when they would brag about what they had acheived, as nothing came easy to me. I am really unco-ordinated and due to that sports were really hard for me (and yes I still stack it at times) and I always had to work that much harder with school work too, whereas my cousins were coming top in whatever they tried their hands at. That probably didn't help much either on the self esteem front. My anxiety didn't just affect certain things it also affected my ability to do exams (I only learnt that this past year though! It would've been so good if I had known that in year 10) I could be getting an average of 70% in english yet come exam time I would just scrape through with 51%. Anxiety has a habit of sneaking itself into areas that you would think wouldn't be affected by it so I am discovering things that I thought were just my personality were in fact due to anxiety.

There are two types of people on this earth the people that dwell on things and the surviours and fighters. I have been told that I am a surviour and fighter I don't sit and dwell on things instead I make sure I am always moving forward. Anxiety is something that I will always have and sometimes moving forward can just be getting out of bed and out of the house and being social, other times its going to job interviews and applying for a few jobs a day.

Anxiety doesn't rule or define me and though it has in the past it doesn't now. Its just something that makes me me like everything else. You can ask me about it and I will answer it, mental illness is getting more common now and my only aim by being so open about it is to make people understand that people with it aren't crazy, just every day people who need a bit more help at times.