Sunday, October 25, 2015

Anxiety: More than meets the eye

This is what's its like living with anxiety.
You overthink things and will revisit things multiple times even though its all in the past and there's nothing you can do about it.
You find yourself wishing you could hide away and just disappear at times.
There are days you want to stay in bed but still you get up and get dressed and try to stay focused.
Little things will set you off, flashbacks to bad experiences, someone saying something, unexpected situations, not all the events will be the same and you learn to listen to your heart rate and breathing.
You question why you take the pills and if you will always need them to live. Its become such a habit and you know that if you stop things will start to unravel before your eyes. You realise that unfortunately they don't fix everything associated with anxiety.
You realise you need a pschycologist and despite your bad experiences with one in when you were 12 you find one. You find yourself coping better but you know for the near future you will need to keep seeing her, no matter how much it costs.
You try to look on the bright side of things and then question yourself when you can't find one.
You find yourself subconsciously avoiding situations, because you know they will set you off and then when you have to face them you are faced with anxiety attacks.
You doubt yourself that you can do things and find yourself questioning everything you do.
You get jumpy for no reason and pray that the feeling with go away.
You deal with people telling you to get over it, its all in your head and if you wanted to things could be different.
You get used to driving 30-40 minutes to see a doctor then waiting at least an hour times, just because he gets you and knows your history. You know he will squeeze you in when you are having a really bad day and that he will listen to you. The time it takes seems such a small trade off for what you get in return.
You learn to be more open about it and you begin to not care what people will think of you when you tell them.
Facebook messages are your worst enemy, especially when you can see if they have seen the message or not and you are wondering why they aren't replying. Did you say something bad? Did you come on too strong? Do they not like you as a person? Have you sent them too many messages (even if this is only your first one!)? Did you make no sense and ramble on too much? Never mind that they might've only had a moment to see the message but haven't got round to replying you always think the worst.
You worry that your too clingy at times and find yourself distancing yourself from people.
Your go through every conversation you have had with people, and even weeks later kick yourself for saying things that didn't come out right.
There are days where the tears want to fall and you let them because keeping them inside won't help you.
You figure out coping strategies like breathing exercises and eventually begin to slowly challenge yourself.
You learn that despite it all you have to keep moving forward and you have to believe that one day things will get easier.
This is my life with anxiety there is a lot more than meets the eye.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Five Friday Favourites and a Prayer Point

Happy Friday! One week of having no license almost done, its actually not that bad when you have parents and friends who are able to help you get around. In other news my probation at work has been extended and I knew it was coming, I just haven't been focusing (though that is improving slowly since starting to take fish oil again) and letting my personal issues get in the way of work. I am thankful that they are extending my probation rather than letting me go and that they want to work with me. I feel like its a culture shock being back in the work force after not working for almost 2 years, plus the whole loosing my license thing which knocked my confidence around. This week has probably been the best week since the incident mainly because its happened and I can now focus on getting it back, rather than waiting for it to happen. If you could please pray for me that would be great, I love my job and work place and don't want to leave so just pray that I get back on track and prove myself to my supervisor.
Moving on lets talk about some Friday Favourites, these are the things I have been loving lately (note this post has been in my drafts for a while and I never thought I would get around to finishing it!).

Bobbles Sports water bottle - I am trying to drink more water (plus I am currently on a one diet coke a week restriction) but the chlorine taste in it can put me off at times. I have always loved the look of bobble water bottles but was after something a bit sturdier so when I saw their new sports range I decided to buy one, I love how it looks and feels plus it makes drinking water easier.

Maybelline Nude eyeshadow palate - I have a few eye shadows palates I use on a regular basis and this is one of them, its a good mix of matte and metallic colours and the possibilities are endless. I like to wear a pale colour as a base (over my eyeshadow primer of course) and then use a dark colour to outline and define my lids. The staying power is amazing as well, I apply it in the morning and by the end of the day it still looks great.

Havaianas Flash Urban Black Sandals - I am slowly starting to think about Summer and one of things I needed was a pair of casual sandals. I love my Havaianas thongs so buying these was an easy choice they are super comfy and plus being black you can wear them with pretty much anything.

Lesley Knope print - I have recently reorganised my room and I now have some space that needs to be filled on top of some shelves. I love Parks and Rec so when I saw this print on Etsy I had to get it. The store has quite a few other prints and they would great gifts once you frame them (I just picked up a $10 frame from Target).

Christmas! - I have recently started my Christmas shopping, as I love to be organised and buying gifts is one of my favourite things to do! Plus it means come Christmas time, I can focus on other things rather than buying last minute gifts for people. I also like to craft a lot of gifts for people so I like to start thinking about it now so that I have time to order/buy the supplies and make them with plenty of time to spare (I like to binge watch shows while I do it). I am keeping it simple this year with a few intricate crafts happening as well.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

This has Happened

Well I officially no longer have a license (I do have a car though so I guess that's something?) I am now stuck to public transport and begging people for lifts (for the next 3 months anyway, then God willing it will be smooth sailing re-getting my license and sitting the practical test).
There's some relief to it finally happening if I am being honest, I just found having the 28 days between handing it in before not actually having the licence very anxiety inducing and it made me question so much. Now I can count down the days to being able to drive again, at this stage I am just hanging out to Christmas as by the time that comes around I will have less than a month until I can drive again.
I am also trying to break it down 3 months is 12 weeks which is one school term and 2 weeks, its only 60 working days (mind you I get between Christmas and New Year off so its less than that!), its only 12 weekends etc which is putting things in perspective. I guess now its happened I can focus on getting it back (dealing with reverse and parallel parking!) and surviving the next few months.
If you could pray for the following for me that would be great, I have no idea how I will get through the next few months without some major prayer!
  • Getting to work will be easy and I won't arrive late.
  • That when the time comes I will pass the practical test (and the computer test to get my L's), also if the instructor would be understanding during it that would be great and that I won't let my anxiety get in the way of me focusing.
  • That I will get a good time for the test, ideally I want a test within a week of the 20th of January.
  • That people will be understanding of my situation and not look at me like a failure or a disappointment.
  • That I won't let this get in the way of my work and stay focused on that.
I guess I just don't know what to think anymore, I had always thought that once I got a job everything would be easy (silly me forgot that nothing in my life has never been easy so why would that change?!) but its ended up being a challenge to say the least! I know that God is good and that there is always a bright side to every situation but I am having trouble seeing that side at the moment, if anything there is relief that its finally happened.

To read the other 2 posts regarding this matter click here and here.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Are We Ever Really Rich?

At work the other day a few of us were talking about money and someone brought up it helps if you are rich or at least have money in the world, before I could stop myself I blurted out 'But are we ever really rich?'. I got a few puzzled looks and I went on to explain that when we die what happens to the money we have, we can't take it with us and at the end of the day does it really make us happier, I also told them that some passages (no one was a Christian in the conversation and if I brought up the bible I am pretty sure I would have received many confused looks) say that its better to store up riches in heaven than it is on earth. (The conversation ended soon after that with everyone saying that they loved money and it made life easier).
In my eyes money doesn't make life easier, the more money you have the more miserable you are. So many people who win the lottery soon end up miserable and worse off than they started once the money runs out (a quick google search will prove my point). Sure money can open up doors but in order to do that you have to be committed to it and make sacrifices. It also seems like once you have money you always want more. I mean do you really want to be remembered as the person who worked crazy hours and was ruled by money when you die? Its great to have money but not if you have sacrifice your family life and never get to really enjoy it.
Growing up money was never one of those things that my family had an excess of, there were times when my parents struggled to make ends meet (during a really tough time) and I found myself worrying about our finances even as a kid and not quite understanding what was going on.
During my unemployment I learnt how to budget and manage my finances, I was fortunate enough that I didn't have to pay much board and my parents supported me. I now make an effort to cover most of my expenses, while also paying board and paying back my car. Even now I have money I still find myself not going crazy and making sure I have a decent buffer, I recently had to pay for car registration and my allocated psychologist appointments have since run out (you get 10 free appointments a year) so I am now starting to pay for those (its unknown how much of those are covered by our health insurance). For me money isn't something I feel entitled too and with the unemployment rate so high recently I feel fortunate enough to have a job let alone one as well paying as the one I have. Money is great don't get me wrong but at the same I feel such a responsibly to not go crazy and save for the future.
Money is one of those things that we will always be controlled by and ruled over, but at the end of the day should we really invest so much time in something that will be left behind when we go. Do we really want to be remembered by our money rather than what we achieved while we were on earth?

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Happy Birthday Jocelyn!!!

My baby sister is 17 today!!! How has she grown up so fast?! Next year she will legally be an adult which is scary when it seems like only yesterday she came home from the hospital (I actually remember the day she arrived home) and made our family complete. As she is 17 here are 17 things I love about her :)
  1. She has learnt to endure the nickname Pumpkin which I have given her. I have no idea when I started calling her that but despite her telling me to stop multiple times she has given up and now endures.
  2. She has a caring heart. Despite being only 17 she has gone to 2 different countries to do mission work and has dreams to become a midwife and do that in a developing country.
  3. She doesn't judge me when I make questionable online purchases (well she might but she hasn't said anything yet!).
  4. She did a massive clean out of my room on Sunday and refused to take any form of payment afterwards. I am pretty sure I now have 50% less items because she and Mum did a major cull.
  5. She can do Pinterest worthy cakes, for my 21st she did such an amazing job of decorating and baking my cake. She watched multiple YouTube videos on how to decorate it and did such an amazing job.
  6. She can somehow guess who I am crushing on and then teases me about it relentlessly. Ok maybe I don't it love it but its a sister thing that she does.
  7. She hates surprises and before Christmas if given the chance she will carefully unwrap a gift just to find out what's inside then rewrap it and no one will know.
  8. She can do professional grade make up and hair. This comes in handy for special events (like school balls), she has also done my hair for multiple job interviews and even though she may roll her eyes at times she secretly loves it. In the past she has told me to sit down and she will straighten my hair just because she is bored.
  9. She applies herself 110% to her studies and has the grades to prove it.
  10. She is an extremely talented artist and has such a unique delicate style. Her art teacher also loves her (mind you her art teacher had me in school and loved me, so I am pretty sure its only because of me that she loves her).
  11. She is an amazing sister to Megan and knows how to handle even the toughest situations with her.
  12. She loves Alice in Wonderland and knows every movie off by heart.
  13. She has had rages over the new versions of various childhood TV shows and isn't ashamed to admit it.
  14. She puts up with a cat who likes to catch various things and set them loose (or eat them!) on the floor of her room in the early hours of the morning! I just think it shows how much Maddy loves her, though Jocelyn thinks otherwise.
  15. She is an extremely good back up GPS when needed and can read maps extremely well.
  16. She picks her friends well, all her friends are great people and I love it when they come over.
  17. All in all she is an amazing little sister and I love everything about her!
Happy Birthday Jocelyn! I hope you have an amazing day and I didn't embarrass you too much :)
You can get to know more about Jocelyn here when I made her do an interview :)