Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Hope you all stay happy and safe and remember that Jesus is the reason for the season :)
I leave you with a photo of my little elf Alfie checking out the presents under the tree, maybe if he's good he will get one, though we all know he will get one regardless of how good he is!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

You can't spell Christmas without Christ and you can't get presents without Jesus presence.

This morning at church the leader of the service asked us how much time this past week we had thought about Christmas presents compared to how much time we had thought about Jesus and how he is the reason for the season. It was safe to say that every one of us had thought about Christmas presents more than about Jesus!
Once again Jesus is put to the back burner of our festivities when he should be our focus during this time. I swear everywhere I look I see Santa and it sucks that he is the centre of this celebration rather than Jesus! I have a feeling that if you went out into the streets and asked random people what the true meaning of Christmas was about few would know. Sure, we see nativity scenes in shopping centres but so many people ignore them in the Christmas rush.
I have to admit that I love the glitz of Christmas, the tree and the lights, the presents under the tree waiting to be opened on Christmas morning and the thought that has gone in to each gift, how Christmas cards arrive in the mail instead of the bills and letters from the employment agency reminding me of up coming appointments, along with putting out the Nativity scene I made out of oven bake clay one year and how our other Nativity scenes that are out all year round seem to shine a bit brighter during this season (my parents went to Peru a few years ago and brought back many Nativity scenes all beautifully made that we leave out during the whole year).
Christmas is the one time that Christians can talk about the story of Jesus without being shut down and invite people to carols, Christmas eve and Christmas day services so that maybe they might want to know more about Jesus and what part he has to play in this wonderful time of year.
You can't spell Christmas without Christ and you can't get presents without Jesus presence, hopefully one day more people will realise that.
Last year I wrote a post on the Christmas rush that you can read here.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Random thoughts

  • I am over the heat and Summer has barely started!
  • Random Facebook conversations that start from random statuses make me smile.
  • Whenever I begin to seriously think about looking at other job options God provides me with an interview opportunity.
  • I am finally beginning to feel that the church I go to in the mornings is home.
  • I miss the scent of rain and hearing it fall on our tin veranda at night
  • Christmas is coming and a part of me feels that I won't get the 2 big things on my list a job and to pass my driving my test.
  • I love the craziness Christmas and to me its the whole month of December not just the 25th.
  • Tomorrow I am going to spend the day filling out a job application which means that at some point during the day I will yell at the computer.
  • I had another very realistic dream the other day that sent me wandering round in a daze all day but felt I couldn't tell anyone as it had to do with something I am trying not to convince them of (it has to do with a boy enough said).
  • I have stopped biting my nails after being a chronic nail biter for as long as I can remember I am just praying that I have stopped for good this time round!
  • I find it hard to say to people that aren't Christian that I am just waiting to see where God's plan next takes me. Which is stupid as I should be able to tell them but I often seize up just before I say it.
  • Everyone I know seems to be getting married, engaged or in serious relationships and I can't help but wonder when it will be my turn to at least have a chance to fall in love.
  • I just realised that there was a time that my doctor didn't think I would ever even get through year 10 yet I graduated high school and did a TAFE certificate so for me to be where I am today is better than expected.
  • I hate having to explain to people why I'm not doing Uni is it really that uncommon for someone to want to work and have no desire to do Uni?! There is nothing I particularly want to study and even if I did I just don't that I could cope at the moment. To the people who do do Uni that's great, but please don't judge me because I have no desire to go. I am happy with my decision and have come further than many people thought I would.
  • I often dream of escaping this world just for a few hours and I think this is why I read so much as its a way of escaping.
  • Having Alfie has taught me that not everything is about me, I know that's one of the reasons why I stuck it out for 12 weeks at the music schools even when I came home with tears down my face. I realised I needed to care for him and I needed money to do that. I also was able to look forward to seeing him at the end of every day.
  • I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be up to doing full time work just over a year since I had major anxiety attacks that put me out of work. When I told my doctor he couldn't believe it and was so proud.
  • I am thankful that my parents have always and continue to do so support me in whatever I choose to do. They remind me of how far I have come and at times that's all that keeps me going.
  • I have learnt to just keep praying no matter what happens as sometimes when things are tough God shows us the beauty of even the smallest things to help us keep going.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Hot happenings

Its been getting awfully hot around here thankfully our air con is working well so I have reclaimed my spot on the couch right where one of the vents hit me and not moving! Alfie hasn't been coping the heat well either he tends to play around in the early morning then as soon as it gets hot he comes in and sleeps until 5.00pm/6.00pm and then he's out to play again (or to stalk the chickens or whatever else he does). I thought because he was found up north (where its hot all year round and gets extremely hot in summer) he would be fine with the heat but no he hates it! Of course this means that he is more likely to sit on a chair near me or want cuddles under the air con so now complaining from me :)
Tomorrow is going to be cooler which will be nice, as we have a church picnic near the river after church. Today we went to a school fete where the other pastor chaplains at and we only lasted 40 minutes before the heat forced us to go to a nearby shopping centre to get relief!
I have been really slack with posting how my job search is going and the truth is its not. I have had 2 interviews one I thought I did really well at but didn't get it and another where I knew I couldn't cope working there, the interview was 5 minutes long and it was the worst interview I have ever had it was pretty much them telling me if I got the job what would be expected of me and that was it nothing about my experience or what I am like as a person so I walked out knowing that it wasn't the job for me. Also what is it with companies emailing you to tell you don't have the job?! I am seriously over that, if you make an effort to get dressed up and prepare for an interview they should at least call you to let you know you don't have the job. It just doesn't leave me with a good impression on how the company deals with confrontation. Sorry but if I do something wrong or aren't acting right ect I want to be told and I can take criticism and apply it. To me its no big deal, I want to know what I can improve on when it comes to work and if I get an email telling me I didn't get the job I feel like I can't ask for feedback unlike over the phone where I can.
So I am honestly praying for a job before Christmas. All I want for Christmas is a decent job and my 2nd phase of my learners driving permit that's it if I get those things I will be happy. I know God has set aside the perfect job for me its just a matter of finding it. Both my parents have found their perfect jobs so I know God has a perfect job for me out there.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Spreading my wings

For my 15th birthday I received a charm bracelet from my parents over the years charms have been added, a cat which represents my love of cats, a sea shell that reminds me of where we go camping as a family every year, a snowflake that my best friend Gem got me one year at Christmas, a butterfly, lady bug and 2 dragon flies which all represent me being born in spring, a sweet 16 charm which Gem got me for my 16th, a thong (or flip flop) which my Mum got me as they are her 'thing', a fish because of my last name, a 3 leaf clover that Gem got me to bring me luck, a heart with a keyhole in it as keys are my 'thing' and most recently I got myself a flying dove which represents peace which is what my name means and also as I like to say I am learning how to fly. Each charm means something and the bracelet tells a story, I can tell you when I got each charm, who gave it to me and what it means. Sure some of the charms I need to get soldered on but when they are on the story will grow as will the bracelet.
The bird also arrived soon after I got a text from my psychologist asking how I was and I spent an hour wording the reply to her because there were so many things she needed to know and I didn't want to leave out a detail. The reply I got made me smile she told me how proud she was of me and how she knew I would get to where I am if I believed in myself and that if I continue to believe in myself I can do anything, she ended with if I ever needed help with managing my anxiety I knew where to find her but she doubted I ever would.
I am finally spreading my wings and realising what I am capable of and it feels amazing.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Childlike faith or faith like my Grandma?

In the Bible it talks about having faith like a child (Mathew 18:2-4 ) but no where (as far as I know) does it talk of having faith like an old person. My Grandma is slowly dying, she has dementia which is linked to Parkinson's Disease she is forgetting things and is having trouble recognising people, she can barely walk and is in pain at times but throughout this she still trusts God. Its amazing to see that she has this amazing trust on God even though she knows she won't get better and that she will only get worse. She still prays and though she can't read the bible when we read it for her she enjoys it. When she first started getting Dementia she would have trouble remembering the days of the week and we would often get phone calls asking if tomorrow was Sunday and if one of us was going to pick her up for church. She couldn't remember any other day but she knew that on Sundays she had church.
She watched as my Grandfather died from terminal cancer all while trusting in God, she taught scripture when I was younger at local schools, started the kids program at the church she and my Grandfather went too which is still going to this day, she ran bible studies and did whatever she felt God needed her to do. She and my Grandfather were missionaries over in India and both my Mum and Uncle were born there the only reason they came back was because my Uncle was getting sick.
Recently as she has been going down hill though she doesn't often make much sense she has been saying some Godly things such as: "When we first get to Heaven I think we will spend 10 years looking at his toes." and when we left her the other week (at the nursing home she is at) we told her to be good and not get into any trouble and she said "It's ok I am just hanging with Jesus as he can never leave me." I mean half the time she has no idea what she is saying but she can come out with these amazing bits about God.
Yes we should have childlike faith but at the same time I want faith like my Grandma never doubting God and always trusting him 100%

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Changes are in the air

There's a change in the air, I have no idea what but I can feel it. I can feel it, like Christmas the tinkling of bells that are starting to creep into the stores and entering our houses with the start of purchasing presents for our loved ones.
I am ready for the next stage of my life and ready to leave my past behind once again. I will say this many times but planning is overrated, I am over with planning which seems stupid to say that, as I have just bought a diary for next year.
I am Thankful for so much lately, thankful for great friends and God for allowing me to develop more friendships, thankful to my family for being there for me and accepting that sometimes I need more support and other times to be left alone, and thankful to be able to lock myself away from the world at times.
Alfie has started hunting so far I have gotten 2 mice, a rat (which was still alive when he brought it in and as a result is now somewhere in the house) and 2 lizards all delivered to me! As much as I love him I really don't need another mouse or rat or lizard. Yes I might've screamed and jumped on a chair when the lizard crawled into my room (I swear it looked like a small (ok a very small) snake!).
I am still praying and waiting to see what God has in store for me next and I'm ok with that. For now I am trying to focus on my driving and praying that I pass my test when the time comes.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Two years is a long time

Today someone posted on the group someone set up for the class of 2011 for my high school asking what everyone was doing now. I felt confused as to what to write do I say I am unemployed or that I been facing my past or that I am a crazy cat lady. Its been almost two years since I have graduated and in those two years I have done so much yet so little.
I have faced my bullying past and accepted that I can't change my past but I can change the future, I have beaten my anxiety multiple times and shown to people that my anxiety doesn't rule me, I have worked in various places building up my resume with admin experience, I have changed churches and are currently going to two different churches, I have shed what people have labelled me, I have proven to people that I am worth something and that my age doesn't matter when it comes to certain things, I have adopted a kitten, I have learnt to find beauty in the broken, I have done so much and I doubt many people who I went to school with would recognise me. I have changed yet stayed the same. I am still crazy about cats, I still love to bake, I am still a Christian, I still want to change the world, I still want to prove to people I am worth something, I still lack self confidence at times and I still stack it and do stupid things.
In two years I have left behind my past and become comfortable with being me. Yes I am currently unemployed but it doesn't matter God knows what he's doing and two years from now my life might be the same or be completely changed who knows, in two years changes happen and though at the time they may not make sense, with God they will always make sense.
As to what I put for my response as to what I was doing currently I put: Proving to people I am worth something. Sometimes the best responses are the simplest :)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Plans

Everyone tries to plan out there lives, it doesn't matter how old you are you still try and plan out what will happen in the future. Of course we then get annoyed and upset at God when things don't go as we planned them. You don't go on a date with that cute girl or guy and then live happily ever after with them, you don't get that job you so wanted, you don't get into the university you wanted or if you do get into the university you wanted you don't get into the right degree you wanted, the list could go on. The thing is at some stage no matter how much work you put into those plans to make them happen some are bound to crumble all around you and leave you in the wrecks of it-wrecked both emotionally and physically. You can have as many back up plans as you want but what happens when they crumble all around you too and you are left with no more back up plans? What happens when you have no idea what to do and if there is no way out? What happens when you think life can't get any worse but it does? It's simple you turn to God and cry out, you ask for help from people it can be as simple as 'Hey do you have a minute I need to talk and get some stuff off my chest', you seek God and ask him to guide you in what comes next and you talk to people about it and ask them to pray for you and the next step.
Sometimes we realise that the plans we put together so carefully that didn't work out weren't meant to be and for good reasons, other times we lie awake at night asking ourselves what if? But the thing is as much as we can plan out our lives we always forget one thing God is in control of them and he always knows whats right for us.
Besides sometimes plans can be overrated :)

Thursday, October 3, 2013

A weekend away

I spent this past weekend down south with 12 other young adults from my parent's church which is now my church. A while ago (I have no idea exactly when) but I decided that it would be a good idea to go to church with my family in the mornings on Sunday as well as go to my church on Sunday evenings. This means that I am in the process of finding the right balance between both churches, for example working out what events to participate in at both ect.

The weekend away was for this event where churches compete against each other in different sports for every 10 people that participate you need 1 volunteer and I was the volunteer (as I can't play sport to save my life haha). We were lucky in that we had a house to stay in  rather than camping or staying in a rec centre down there. I found I got along well with them all which was good and they accepted me too, it reminded me of my youth group camps when I was younger. The Sunday afternoon was filled with us crashing in the lounge room (on the floor and few chairs that were there) chatting, while the guys decided to play catch with whatever objects were around (if I recall highlighters, a set of keys and an empty coke bottle were some of the objects thrown around!) then came the youtube clips! Most of us had the song Dumb Ways To Die stuck in our head so we listened to that a few times (some people didn't know the song very well or the video clip) and then of course one of the guys decided to show us the video clip What Does The Fox Say.

I ran into a lot of people I knew down there too (being an ex-pastor's kids has its perks) including my cousin (which was awesome and it was great to see her), someone who used to go to my old church, a stack of friends I knew from various places and I was volunteered on hospitality (where you go round and give the other volunteers food and drink) with one of my Mum's friends whom I have know since I was a baby. It was also fun going up to people on one of the teams and saying that my Uncle is their pastor (I couldn't resist haha) which turned out to be a good conversation starter too.

It was a good weekend and one that I can't wait to repeat next year though my youngest sister will be coming too :) though I am still catching up on sleep!

Thursday, September 19, 2013

A year ago

Sorry for being abesent for the past 2 weeks but my temp work was extended (I finish tomorrow) and whenever I tried to get round to blogging I got distracted.

A year ago today I was forced to walk away from my first proper adult job due to anxiety attacks, I cried for days and didn't want to get out of bed or face anyone, I thought about ending it all but I didn't. Instead I got help, I learnt how to fight my anxiety attacks, what caused them and why they were happening to me. I made myself get out of bed and learnt to look for beauty in the little things. I set myself goals and tasks to be completed over the course of weeks and months so there was always something to do. I let myself heal from the past and accepted that though I couldn't change it I could change the future.

Now a year later I have held down a part time job successfully for 12 weeks (I only left due to management problems), completed work experience at 2 different places and tomorrow I will finish off a 4 week full time temp placement, none of this I thought would be possible this time last year. My anxiety attacks are no longer a threat and on days when I feel things are getting too much I just remember the words my pyschologist told me to take care of myself, take one thing at time and breathe.

 I still want to work in admin and currently see no reason to look into other options (though I got a call from my employment agency today and the first thing they said was that we need a meeting to discuss other options) as my deadline became null and void the moment I got this temp placement.

This past year has been hard but with God, an amazing family, a great church family, close friends (looking at you Gem!) and my amazing pyschologist I have survived it and have come out the other end stronger and with the understanding that my anxiety will only rule my life if I let it.

I am now praying that God will show me my next step whatever that will be and focusing on the now, as God has the future all sorted out so why should I worry?

Friday, August 30, 2013

Temp work: week 1

A week of temp work done!!! Its been busy, consistent and fun to do something, I pretty much take staples out of building licenses and get paid to do it :) After a week of working 35 hours with no anxiety troubles I believe I am ready to head into full time work. I am sure that working in a place I am familar with has something to do with it but its changed so much since I was there 2 years ago and I am working in a different area with people I don't know. I am tired, but thats to be expected and my anxiety has stayed away, sure I was nervous on the first day but thats normal regardless of if you have anxiety or not :)

I am still unsure what my next step is and that drives me crazy, I have just over 2 weeks until my 19th Birthday and I have no idea whether I stick with looking for admin work or look into other areas. I have one more week of this placement *but* it could be extended for an additional week or two it just depends on a lot of things. I have also (once again) applied for a job at the university I did work experience at and am praying that I get an interview there, this is my 3rd time applying for a job there and I am praying that this application is enough to land me an interview.

I am slowly thinking about summer and today during my lunch break I got this cute dress from Jeans West (I had been eyeing it off for a day or two) which is perfect for spring and summer. It was $70 but as I am apart of the reward club I got 10% off so it was only $63 and I know its expensive but its such good quality plus I think it can pass for office wear :) I can't wait to wear it as soon as the weather starts to warm up. Yes I am a shopaholic (tomorrow I am dragging my little sister shoe shopping with me) but I have been really good with my spending lately and I deserve to reward myself now and then.

Now if you excuse me I am off to bed I have a driving lesson 7.00am tomorrow and I am starting to ramble but I just thought I would give you guys an update on how I am :)

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Focusing on the now

Tomorrow it will be exactly 3 weeks until my 19th Birthday. For the first time in ages I don't care how its celebrated, I have nothing I really want and I have told my parents to suprise me. I have a kitten (for many years I have always jokingly asked for one for my Birthday each year and each time the answer has always been no), my phone works fine and I don't care that its not the latest model, I have clothes and a roof over my head and thats enough for me. My 18th year has been the complete opposite of what I thought it would be and I would rather forget most of it, I had such high expectations of what it should be and it hasn't met any of them.
Tonight I mentioned to my Mum that lately it seems that I am taking risks, I know a few months and even weeks ago I wouldn't have taken temp work as it would've been too risky for my anxiety yet on Monday I start temp work and I am looking forward to it. I am also confident that I should be able to cope with full time work now (whether I end up getting full time work is in God's hands). In just over a months time I am volunteering at a Christian sport event because something in me thought why not?! For those who have known me long enough this is something I never would have in the past as anything out of routine freaks me out. 
Yes my 18th year has been hard yet the outcomes have been good and in 3 weeks time when I say goodbye to it as much as I will be relieved that its over I will be proud of myself for what I have acheived in it. But for now its time to focus on the present and try not to think about the future as why should I need to worry about things that may or may not happen.

Monday, August 19, 2013

My life isn't mine

Sorry for being absent from this blog but I have been down south doing some (more) work experience for my old principal at a high school last week and before that I just needed to take some time out. I enjoyed getting more experience and I was able to work a full week no problems this was tested even more stay with staying at a family friends whom I didn't know very well to begin with. It was fun but there is no place like home and I missed Alfie :)

On Saturday I returned home and had to go to the shops to get some stuff for dinner, I was picking up some cheese and I ran into a parent of 2 of the students who did music lessons at the music school where I used to work. It turns out she is now working there (taking over my old job) and enjoying it after finding out her boys were ect she asked how I was and what I was doing I had no idea what to say, should I tell her that I didn't get the job I wanted so badly and am now unemployed? Should I tell her that life is going well when it isn't? In the end I told her a mix of the two that I was unemployed but I had just done a week down south getting some more experience. She then asked how I was going personally and I simply told her that I had come to the conclusion that my life isn't mine and I have no idea what each day will bring. I am sure I left her confused (I don't think she knew that I was a Christian) but that was the truth, my life isn't mine and I literally take each day at a time.

Today was good example of that, I was trying to do an application for a job (it didn't get done, I got sidetracked more on that later) and the phone rang, I ignored it and tried to concentrate on the application but when my mobile rang I answered it not sure who it could be. It was a family friend who had helped me get the interview for the job in local government (which I just missed out on, but have since realised it was for the best) saying that temp work had come up in the records department it would be for a minimum of two weeks (full time) and it was mine if I wanted it, without hesitation I said yes. Tomorrow I head down there to sort out the paperwork and next Monday I start, its crazy but if it wasn't for the last week doing work experience full time I don't think I would be as willing to do this temp work. Once again I am proving people wrong and are realising that God has my life under control, even if I don't


Thursday, August 1, 2013

Waiting sucks

I haven't heard back from the application I submitted almost 2 weeks ago, I am beginning to think that its another door that has shut in my face. I mean when I did get confirmation that they received my application they said the short listing would take 2 weeks and if I didn't hear from them I wouldn't have been successful. Pretty much if I don't hear back by tomorrow I won't have proceeded to the next round. I want a chance to get an interview but I have no idea if I will get that chance.
I have been battling a cold (its been doing the rounds of the family) and yesterday was my first day of being out since I had got it and today I crashed. I cancelled my driving lesson and ventured out to get food and a magazine then returned home to watch TV and relax. Tomorrow I will try and get out of the house for at least the morning just because I know I can't stand another day of waiting for the phone to ring. I have no idea what I will do but I want to get lost in a sense discover places that I haven't been to and visit places that I haven't had a chance to.
For now I am going to get lost in a book and pray that God know's what he's doing.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Setting a Deadline

I have set a deadline for me to get an admin job, my 19th Birthday on the 15th of September. I never thought I would do this but I know I need to if I don't have an admin job then I will move on and get a job in retail or something. It's impossible for me to let go of a dream I have had for 3 years now to work in an office environment so by giving myself a deadline gives me a chance to prepare to look into other options and get ready to move on if need be. Today I was told by my employment agency that I would need to work hard if I get another admin job, the thing is it wouldn't matter if I went into retail or hospitality I would still have to work hard if not harder. I have said this many times everything I have achieved I have had to work for so this is just another thing to work for. I am used to proving myself to other people and myself, I suprised many people (and me!) when I graduated high school as my anxiety was so bad during those years that it didn't seem possible and again when I completed my Business Certificate.
I have no idea if I will get an admin job by my deadline but I do know that this in God's plans for me and he will tell me where to go. I spent the past week praying that God would show me some sort of sign if I was on the right track yesterday I got a phone call regarding an interview for a job which I had to turn down as it was too hard to get to but it was enough to encourage me to stay focused and that for now I am on the right track.
For now I am praying and having to keep reminding myself that this is in God's plan for me.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Job application take 100?

I have spent the past 48 hours frantically trying to get a job application ready to submit before 9.00am tomorrow morning, I managed but by the end of it I was over all job applications no matter how simple! I had to update/write my cover letter, update my resume, answer all the selection criteria, scan in (as sending it was out of the question) the application form, mine and my fathers birth certificates (to prove that I am a citizen of this country?) , my tafe certificate, and the reference letter from my school (for good measure) and email it all in.
I almost gave it a miss but my Mum asked me the question do you think you can do the job? I answered that I knew I could so she told me to get on with it and that she and Dad would help me. I am so happy that I have sent it in with hours to spare, I am now praying that I get an interview. Its for the university where I did work experience but in a different section, I was stuck on how to answer the question: Are you a current employee of the university? Because I have an ID card (in my file), a computer login and an email address so in a sense I am, but not employed by them (or doing work experience) currently. I was just honest and explained that though I have never been officially employed by them I do have an ID card ect due to doing work experience with them earlier on in the year.
I am just praying that I get a chance to showcase my skills and again a professor there can vouch for me and they kinda know me so that helps.
I turn 19 in just under two months and if I am being honest I am not where I want to be, this time last year (even at the beginning of this year!) I had thought I would be working, doing something I love and glorifying God in some way. Instead I am unemployed after a stint in the work force and feeling worthless. I have been glorifying God though, throughout this I have told people that it's in his hands not mine, so many people have been amazed that I can still trust him through this. It's been hard at times and I have been mad at him, but the fact is he planned this for me and with his help I will get through this. For now I keep praying.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Letting the tears fall again

I didn't want to do another depressing post yet here I am typing one. This past week has been a hard one to say the least I spent all of Thursday locked away from the world, eating chocolate, watching Pretty Little Liars and letting the tears fall, I refused to venture out and had no desire to make my preasence known anywhere. My family was away over east while I had to stay home and work which turned out pretty well (not). On Monday I was told that as my other boss was taking over the company there wasn't a place for me in my current job though I could apply for the two admin/marketing jobs going (the chances of me getting an interview were none as if she wanted to keep me on she could've). I said I would work out the week then take all my holiday/sick leave the following week. I worked hard even though I knew I would be leaving, Monday I answered emails and dealt with enquries. Tuesday I cleaned the whole admin/reception area windows cleaned every centimetre dusted, filed everything and kept on track with the lessons that we had that day (make ups due to lessons missed previously). Wednesday was hard I wanted to walk out so many times as there were interviews happening and my anxiety was playing up yet I didn't I filed, answered the phones did everything that was expected of me. Thursday was to be my last day so I figured I could finish cleaning the lesson rooms and wrap things up but I didn't get to do that on the Wednesday I got a phone call saying I was fired and she wouldn't tell me the reasons (the few reasons she told me made no sense at all) and that she was doing me a favour calling me rather than emailing me.
I wish this story had a happy ending but today I got a phone call from the local government saying I hadn't been successful in landing the job. I am back to square one again and I don't know if I can go through all the interviews again. I have let the tears fall and I know they won't be the last. I don't know what to do, maybe I should just give up on my dream of working in admin/customer service? I am unemployed again, I feel like worthless and that though I have potiental (I am told) no one is willing to help me reach it.
I wish for once my life was easy, that I didn't have to work so hard to get everything.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Job Interview take?

Today I woke up had a shower, washed my hair, got dressed in one of my favourite dresses along with stockings, heels and a cute jacket, tried to ignore my nerves and attempted to choke down some food, before I caught a bus to the train station caught a train and then another bus. I then tried to get myself reaquainted with my settings before trying to build up and appetite by shopping. I managed to somehow eat a footlong sub (how I managed to is beyond me) and a diet coke (which I ended up throwing away as even the thought of it made me sick) and said hello to a familar face and we both laughed and said we would see each other in an hour. Then I tried to keep my food down walked some more and tried to calm my nerves. Then at 1.30pm I walked in to a familar building with nerves in my stomach and faced the firing squad or two people one of whom I knew. I somehow managed to get an interview where I did work experience when I was 17, out of 250 applicants I was 1 of 5 who was chosen to be interviewed. I faced the interview head on gave it my best, tried not to talk to much and knew that in then end it was in God's hands.

I'll find out by the 17th if I have the job or not, I really want the job but at the same time for all I know is that God has something else planned for me. My current job at the moment isn't ideal and I have no idea how long they will have a place for me (my current boss is leaving well the one who is always there and my other boss is taking over the company) as things are really messy at the moment. I have a meeting on Monday morning and I will see what happens but God's timing has never been wrong, I got a call saying I had this interview 1 hour after my boss told me she was leaving which made it less scary and reminding me that God's timing is never out.

So many people are saying that this job is mine, it was made for me and I'm perfect for it, but until (if) I get the call saying that it's mine, its not. For now I need to focus on one day at a time and pray that if it's in God's will then it will happen. I am just thankful that out of 250 people I was given the chance to sell myself to this amazing company.



Wednesday, June 26, 2013

My Testimony

The other day it hit me that I have never shared my testimony on here and I should because a big part of this blog is how I am growing as a Christian so here it goes.

I was born into a loving Christian home, both my parents were Christians and my Mum came from a Christian family (her father's father actually planted a church in the northern suberbs which has just celebrated its 100th (I think its a big milestone) anniversary). When I was 1 they moved down to south to what was considered the country at the time (now not so much) where my Dad got a job as a Pastor at the local Baptist church, there I grew up in a loving Christian community and it felt like an extended family. When I was 7 my father got voted out of the church this was hard as even though I was 7 I struggled with betrayal from people who were like my family but weren't, it was a messy time.

At times we struggled to pay the bills and Dad worked odd jobs for a few years down there, while also looking for another pastoring position. The thing was whenever a major bill came up or we were struggling to pay the mortgage God would ALWAYS provide, we had money appearing in unmarked envelopes in our letterbox or some other way we always had enough. We struggled but with God's grace we made it.

When I was 9 Dad got offered a job up in the city pastoring a church and we accepted, by this point my Grandfather had been diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer and my Mum being the only daughter out of 4 kids felt the need to be closer to her parents. It was a cleary a God Thing, so we moved, it wasn't easy up root our whole family but we managed to do it. During this time my parents worried how I would cope with this change, as change and me have never been good, but I started my new school with no problems and was settled within weeks.

Now during my childhood I'm sure I gave my life over to God but I can't remember it, I guess being brought up in a Christian home it was natural for me to trust him and I was taught from a very young age that God would provide. I know my parents can tell stories of me doing saying and doing things that showed that I had clearly accepted God into my life.

When I was 12 my life began to crumble my anxiety was ruling my life and I turned away from God, I was struggling with bullying, school was hard and I couldn't understand how God could let this happen to me, what had I done to deserve this? Those were dark days and I found it hard to trust God, I still went to church and acted like I trusted him but in my heart I wasn't. At the start of Year 8 I was seriously close to breaking point, my transition into high school was far from perfect (I hadn't been properly diagnosed with anxiety yet) and at one point it hit me that I couldn't do this without God so I regave my life to him. I knew it wouldn't be a quick fix to my problems but I finally accepted that without God my life was pointless and not worth living. Things slowly began to get easier and I have never hit rock bottom again, sure I have gotten close to it but I haven't.

When I was 14 I made the decision to be Baptised to publicly show my commitment to God. It was scary but it was also a turning point in my relationship with him. I have my baptisim certificate framed above my pin up board as a reminder that Jesus died for me.

Being a Christian isn't easy and I still feel at times I am getting judged because of it but I have made this choice to follow God and I don't regret one minute of .

My testimony isn't exiting and I don't expect it to be, as the exiting part is how God will use me to spread his work which is happening right now.



Sunday, June 23, 2013

Living Happily Never After

I love fairy tales like every little girl I dreamed of the day my prince would sweep me off my feet and we would live happily ever after. Life isn't like that sure I still hope to be swept off my feet by a prince but not to live happily ever after. Life has never been straightforward for me and I have always been jealous of people who have life easy, for me every thing has its own complications and I guess thats something that makes me me. I have let go that one day all my problems will be solved and I'll live happily ever after instead I have learnt to accept that I'll live to tell the tale and when I look back I will be proud of myself.
I live one day at time as for me the case always goes that just when I think my life is making sense something happens that shatters it and I start from the ground up. This has been the case for as long as I can remember and I doubt it will change, sure to some people my life looks good, great even but you don't have to scratch much under the surface to see that I have almost reached breaking point one to many times and survived.
Today I felt my life shatter again and instead of freaking out I tried to act calm and thought to myself 'well God knows what he's doing' when someone commented that I was taking the news quite well I simply said 'It's in God's hands and I'll live'. Yes I was (and still am) freaking out but I'll survive it and it's all apart of God's plan for me.
I doubt my life will ever be easy and I will live happily every after but hey for now living happily never after with God knowing what he's doing sounds good.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Another bump in the road

This ALWAYS happens to me, just when I think I am finding my way and things are looking up, God throws something at me that changes everything.
Life hasn't been easy for me and for me to be where I am hasn't been easy, I have to work really hard at things and it has always taken me longer to acheive things which is why it is taking me what seems like forever to get my license. I was the girl who often took the easy route with things in high school as even those things were hard for me at times. So I am used to these challanges and this one is just another thing to work through. The job I applied for in Local Government closed on Friday so now the shortlisting process begins I am honestly praying that I get an interview but if I don't its all a part of God's plan for me.
I see my doctor on Wednesday and I am looking forward to telling him how far I have come and I know he will be impressed (considering there was a time he honestly didn't think that I would get past year 10 in high school). I spent an hour the other night emailing my pyschologist telling her all my happenings and got a reply back today telling me she is so proud of me (it was brief but she's a new mum so I didn't expect a reply so to get a short one is good),which made me smile. I loved seeing her and my only regret is that I didn't see her sooner, we connected straight away and that helped heaps.
One thing I am thankful for is that I have a great support network, my parents have always been super supportive, I have been with my doctor since I was 12 so he knows all my history and has seen me when I am at my worst and my best (which is why we travel 30 plus minutes to see him), I have a few friends whom I am really close to and know when I need a text or to go out for coffee or just a distraction and I have an amazing church family. I don't know where I would be without them all.
So no matter how big this challenge turns out to be I know I can survive it and after all when you have God why should you need to worry about tomorrow?

Monday, June 10, 2013

An update on my crazy/busy/tiring/kitty filled life!

Sorry for being absent lately but between work, dealing with Alfie and whatever else that God throws at me, blogging seems to be the last thing on my mind. I have sat down at the computer so many times to blog but I never get round to doing it.

Work is busy yet I still feel like I am drowning at times, I am feeling a bit trapped too so I have been looking at other options. My aim has always been to work in local government and I took a huge leap of faith and applied for a job where I did work experience in year 12, its a job I know I can do but whether I get an interview for it or now is in God's hands. I have always said my future is in God's hands and I am just thankful I have some form of employment at the moment. I have come along way since last year and I am proud of myself as are my parents. I have had no anxiety attacks and have gone to work every single day (apart from two but that was because I had a cold/virus) so I know that I can face whatever God throws at me.

Life with Alfie is fun :) I love waking up to a hug from him. He loves people and is clearly a lap cat, he has fitted into our family perfectly, everyone loves him and I have been commended on my good cat choosing skills though I think he choose us! He's the type of cat that loves people and being held and will sit on your lap wherever you are and won't budge. He also has a very playful streak in him and is finding lots of new places to hide and sit/sleep. I have been on the computer this afternoon doing a few thinks (checking bank transfers, trying track a few purchases ect) and next thing I know this is how I find Alfie! I told him he is not a piece of paper and doesn't belong there but he doesn't listen! But I am very thankful to have him and I can't wait to see him grow :)

Hopefully I will be back to blogging more regulary soon, I do miss it but its hard when you can distracted easily at times (online shopping and me = me spending money on things I really don't need haha).

A few of my favourite make up products

I tend to be seeing alot of posts on peoples favourite budget makeup brands, heres the thing everything I use is budget as 1) I don't wear alot of makeup to justify spending alot on it 2) Everything I use works well for me so I don't see the point in trying more expensive brands if I am happy with the results I get from the cheaper brands 3) I will admit that walking into a place like Myer or David Jones where people try to get me to buy a $30 lipstick scary so I avoid those places at all costs.

Lets start with the the facial care side of things. I will admit I am loyal to a few brands but only because I find they actually help my skin and I have tried alot of products.

Triple Action Tonor by Biore
I have used so many tonors in the past and this one is the best. It lasts a long time (this is with 3 of us using it), doesn't irritate my skin, you can feel it working and its the best value for money (for the amount you get) at $8.99. This lasts me 4-6 weeks on average and this is with my Mum and one of my sisters using it too. It helps control the oil and doesn't irritate the skin like some tonors do, we all love it even though our skin types do vary.

Daily Deep Pore Cleansing Wipes by Biore
I recently bought these as they had a 3 for 2 deal and I needed another product and I want to know why I didn't discover these earlier! Some days when I get home from work I just want to go to bed to read and the last thing on my mind is washing my face. These remove the dirt and oil (and makeup) and you can see it on the wipes (so you know its picking it up), I don't use these often just when I feel lazy. At $8.99 it might seem a bit expensive for 25 wipes but they are not intended to be used daily just when you don't have time to wash your face.

Ultra Deep Cleansing Pore Strips by Biore
I get blackheads on my nose and it majorly annoys me so every few weeks or so I use one of these. The results are pretty much instant and it gets rid of the blackheads for a few weeks (then I use another one) which are impossible too get rid of otherwise. You get 6 strips for $6.99 and its worth it (my sister likes to pinch mine) if you can't seem to get rid of those pesty blackheads.

Combination Skin Balancing Cleanser by Biore
I got a sample of this when I bough the wipes and it is amazing! I will definitly be buying more, it doesn't irritate my skin and leaves it feeling clean and fresh. I have only been using for a week and my breakouts have cleared. My skin is oily in parts and dry in others so its perfect for my skin. It's only just come out so I don't know the price but what I can say is that its worth it if you have combination skin.

Moving onto makeup, I don't wear alot but I do use a few things on a regular basis
Lips:
Body Shop Watermelon Lipbalm
I am obsessed with this lipbalm, I always have it with me and its worth its weight in gold. I have tried so many brands and this is the only one that works for me. At $7.99 it may seem like a lot for a small pot but you don't need much, a pot lasts me a year and this is using it most days. I love the watermelon flavour but there are a few to choose from.

Savvy Lipstick
I recently discovered this and its great, it lasts a long time, it comes in a range of colours and doesn't feel sticky also at $4.99 you can buy it in a few colours. I currently have it in the blushing pink and its perfect for everyday wear.

Savvy Lipgloss
I love lipgloss but I don't like it to be sticky. This isn't but it gives a good shine, I have only used the clear and haven't tried any of the colours yet but I love it, its also long wearing plus at $4.99 its good value.

Face:
Savvy Concealer
Sometimes I just need to cover a few blemishes and this stuff does the job, it stays on and blends in well, at $3.99 its worth it.

Rimmel 9 in 1 BB cream
Sometimes I need a bit more cover and this stuff does it. Its long lasting and goes on matte so you can cover it with your favourite blush or bronzer. Its good to cover a few spots or to use a foundation. You don't need much so a tube will last a while its $12.99 so not too bad.

Body Shop Shimmer Waves
This is the most expensive product I use but everyone in my family uses it (except my Dad of course!) yes it is $40 buts its a blush, bronzer and eye shadow it will last a long time and its mineral based so it doesn't clog pores. I can honestly say you won't regret buying this, the price may put you off at first but you will be hooked plus its the only powder you will need.

Lip and Cheek tint by Natio
Some days I just need a little colour in my cheeks so I use this. As its a tint it stays on for ages and you can use it on your lips too (it stays on for a long time on your lips). You don't need much and its small enough to keep in your purse, this product is worth spending the $10.49 on (though I got mine on clearance at my local pharmacy for $2 I think).


So now you know what products I love, I have nothing against spending heaps on makeup its just I can think of better things to spend my makeup on (like a kitten or books or chocolate haha)

***None of these brands know I exist I just love their amazing products and thought I would share***

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Meet Aflie

Meet Alfie
He is 6 months old
Already a bigger sook than Tom
Feels like we've had him forever
Pulled on my heart and I couldn't say no
Loves cuddles and being patted
Eyes seem to pierce your soul
Settling in well
May not have been partly named after this character 
Has gotten hissed at by Tom once and got freaked out (hopefully Tom will end up accepting him soon! Maddy I'm not so sure about considering she still isn't the biggest fan of Tom)
Cleary choose us
Hates being left alone
Loves treats and food
First cat to ever decide to sleep in my jeans (I was having a shower and as he is in the bathroom he decided he would have a nap in them!)
The purrrfect cat for our family


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Things that make me happy

I really need to blog more but I am stilling getting in the grove of the whole work/life balance which is slowly happening but I know it will still be a while before I settle into a pattern. For now here are things that have been making me happy:
  • New pink owl PJ's
  • Slowly purchasing things for the kitten which arrives Saturday (!), so far I have a book to store all its information (vet trips, brand of food, micro chip information in ect) in and a polar fleece blanket (purple because pink is a bit too girly), I need to check our supplies of kitty litter and I will get it's food when I adopt it as its always a good idea to keep it on what it's used too for a while.
  • Erynn Mangums latest book Paige Torn downloaded it last night and I can't put it down, which is how I am with all her books!
  • Degrassi: The Next Generation Sunday night is the night I come home from church and catch up on it online (its on 2 minutes after its finished airing), its the one show I long to watch.
  • Online shopping tonight I spent $20 which isn't too bad but its so easy to purchase things! I got some cute post it notes for work, an Alice in Wonderland necklace and Alice in Wonderland vintage-ish (thats now a word) stickers.
  • The video below, how talent are these guys?! I might've watched it over 10 times in the last 24 hours haha! I can't wait to download their latest album the moment it comes out. I have finally figured how to use the iPod speaker at work (who knew you actually had to press power button even if it looked like it was on?!) so it will be blasted non stop (I hope my boss can stand it haha :) mind you she doesn't care what we listen too as long as it has no rude words or themes)

  •  Cute wall stickers that can make the room 'pop' I bought a metallic wall sticker of 2 birds in a cage and it makes my feature wall (and whole room in general) pop and somehow works perfectly with the pink dragonflies I have on the wall. Thought it took ages to stick it on and we (my sister and I) ended up using nail scissors to cut it and restick it to make it flat it was worth it, though next time I get wall stickers I will be choosing a less intricate design!
  • Crafting the afternoon away. I crafted a variation of the card I made for the two girls I did work experience with only on thick cardboard and smaller scales so they can display them near their desks. It was relaxing and I am going to drop them into them tomorrow before work :)
  • Cats that wake me up at 6am by sitting on my head, just kidding but seriously Tom loves my shampoo or something because if I go to bed with damp hair the next day he is on/near my head -.-
It doesn't take much to make me happy these days and half of that is because I have a job and feel like I am worth something, now if you excuse me I need to head to bed so I can get a decent sleep before work tomorrow (not that I am complaining or anything!).

Monday, May 13, 2013

Work, work and planning for a kitten

Please remind to never ride to work again ever. I arrived 20 minutes late (I had a dream about arriving 20 minutes late the night before yet I paid no attention to it), legs felt like jelly, almost got run over 5 times (my road sense is kinda bad) though I swear I looked both ways before going, had a mini (really really small) anixiety attack and riding uphill killed me. My boss just smiled and told me to get a drink then start doing some small tasks to calm down (have I mentioned she is the best?!), so looks like I will be catching the bus at least one way there (thankfully my Dad finishes work at 2.00 so he can pick me up when I end).

All in all work is going great and I am getting into the swing of things. We had a staff meeting today which went well, we basically discussed where we want the company to go, goals for us and the business (both short term and long term) and any ideas we had. My goal for this week is to answer the phone cheerily and stay positive and cheery the whole time on the phone.

I am finally letting myself get exited about getting a kitten, I bought a book to store info in about her. So far for names we (my family is giving their input in most things!) like Popcorn (shortened to Poppy) and Jellybean, others names that have been suggested but knocked back are Isilee (after a charcter in a book) and Chesire (as in the Chesire Cat from Alice in Wonderland). All names get shortened in our house (mine doesn't) for example Madeline gets mainly called Maddy and Jaffa (the bird) gets called Jafs or Jaffy and Tommy gets called Tom so one requirement is that it can be shortened to an equally cute name. I can't wait to meet her (neither can the rest of my family!) and enjoy lots of snuggles with her.


Friday, May 10, 2013

Confessions of a working girl with her first paycheck

Sorry for being absent lately but work has taken over which I am totally fine with :) I have offically finished my 2nd week of work and its been full on but fun. I got my first pay check and took the advice of my Mum, pychologoist and many friends and had fun spending a chunk of it :) it felt good to say yes I can buy those books, yes I can buy those bracelets, yes I can buy lunch, yes I can donate to that charity, yes I can buy chocolate. I also bought my Mum a few suprises for Mothers Day, she already knows what she is getting from my sister and I but what she doesn't know is that I bought her a bracelet she wanted, some chocolate (I also bought some for myself and it is good!) and some mints because she has stood by me all through my unemployment. I honestly don't know where I would be without her :). on Mothers Day we are going to visit my Grandma and celebrate her Birthday (as its on the Monday) so I got my Grandma some beautiful wooden flowers to brighten up her room in the nursing home. I thought I would do some facts about my time so far at this job compared to my last job:
  • I have lasted 2 weeks more than I did in my last job
  • I have had NO anxiety attacks
  • I have lasted 8 days longer than I did in my last job
  • I have been able to go to each day and my anxiety hasn't stopped me doing so!
These things may not seem like much but compared to my last job when:
  • I lasted 2 days in it.
  • I had 3 anxiety attacks
  • I couldn't go to work because of my anxiety
In 15 days I will adopt a kitten and I can't wait but at the same do I can because I know once I get her (I am leaning towards getting a girl) she will grow up too fast but then again it will be good to have a creature to baby.

Today my Friend made me buy a book of Hats for Cats (it was 40% off as the store is having a closing down saying its called Cat Hats) for my sister and she is so exited to put them on Tom and Maddy and the kitten (once she arrives!) so I am worried for the cats (and kitten's), I have told my friend its her fault if they decide to take over the world because they hate that they now have to wear hats!

My life is finally on track and all its taken is God's timing, I am in a great job with great people, I have beaten my anxiety attacks and every day I am making history by working one day more than I did at my last job.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Just an update

I have been meaning to blog all week and I started a blog post the other night but my anxiety had clearly taken over my head at that one moment so it wasn't 'me', I have been busy every day this week I have had job training except today but tomorrow it starts again. I have lasted one day more in this job than I did in my last job, I have had no anxiety attacks in this job and I hopefully won't, two big steps I have made. It hasn't been easy and on Monday and Tuesday I felt my anxiety clouding my head and did shed a few tears (which is normal) but I still survived both days. Wednesday I felt like I was being fed to the sharks as the person who I job share with and is training me called in sick, so I was left manning the desk answering the emails and phone calls having no idea what I was doing. Thankfully my boss was understanding and allowed me to ask her a few hundred questions, she also said I did well considering.
I spent Monday night stressing over little things, like the transport issue (its 10 minutes by car, 1 hour by bus or a 30-40 minute bike ride), if I would have an anxiety attack the next day, what if admin work isn't for me ect. I was pretty much  told to go to bed, quit stressing, pray and know that everything would happen according to God's plan for me.
I am so thankful I have an amazing employment agency! My consultant is amazing and has been keeping in close contact with me by phone encouraging me and listening to my worries and fears about the job, she has also rung my workplace to let them know that she is around if either me or them have any concerns/worries. Its been really helpful knowing she is on my side and I can call her if anything major happens.
I am eyeing off the six week mark as that is when everyone keeps telling me I will finally be settled (and will most likely be when I adopt my kitten), until then I will focus on one thing after another and keep praying that God helps me.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Some job news

On Monday I chopped most of my hair off, it now sits above my shoulders (its fine and there is a lot of it so the longer it gets the more knotts and harder it is to get them out) as it was getting chopped I was thinking to myself as this happening I am saying goodbye to the hardness of the past few months and are going to try to think positive.
On Wednesday I had an employment agency meeting which as always went well :) we discussed how bad the job market is at the moment and she told me that she found a job that she thought I should apply for. It had been advertised on a website that I don't often visit (it confuses me) but it had junior and part time in the title, it also wasn't that far away and I knew the area and that it was near a bus route (the same bus I caught to TAFE), I seemed to fit the job description (the role included: data entry, cash handling, typing of documents, light cleaning ect), they also needed someone who could start ASAP so I decided to apply. I sent off my resume at 10.00 Wednesday morning and at 6.00 Wednesday night I had a call from them saying that I seemed to match what they were looking for and could I come in on Friday morning for an interview though if I got the job I would start on Monday and would that be ok.
Today I had the interview, it went well I joked with the girls who if I got the job I would work with, I mentioned my anxiety and they were totally fine with it. I felt a bit over dressed as they were in jeans and I was in black pants, a nice top and heels (they like their employees to be comfortable so its really up to them what they wear). Then this afternoon at 3.00 I got a call from them asking the job was mine if I wanted it, I was in the car (not driving though!) so I couldn't really scream and jump around like I wanted to, but I texted 5 people who had known about the interview and had been praying for me during my time of unemployment.
I start Monday at 12 noon and its for a company that teaches kids how to play instruments so the hours are a bit strange and I will either be working 11.00am to 3.00pm or 3.00pm to 7.00pm though on Thursdays it will be 11.00am to 7.00pm and on every 2nd Saturday I will be working 8.30am to 4.30pm (its a job share). I start training on Monday morning at 12 noon which is exiting and I can't wait to get back into the work force, I know it won't be easy but I also know that God will be with me each step of the way.
Of course this means that in a few weeks time I will be able to adopt a kitten (its my reward to me) which is exiting and I can't wait to have a furry little friend to baby (Tom isn't cutting it, I was woken up on Monday with him in my face sneezing!).

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Sundays

I love Pinterest and I love finding quotes that I can relate to so here are the quotes that have touched me most recently, just because its a Sunday and sometimes we all need encouragement.
I found this one today and it really hit me. I also thinks it applies to me in rekindling relationships and why God brought people who I haven't seen in years back into my life when he did (especially most recently!).



 When I was 15 in my Christian Education class we all had to give a talk on a random topic the teacher choose for each of us. I got Love and I remember saying that God is Love and without God there is no Love.
I ask myself this question daily.
and this is how I answer the above question
Something we all should do more and need to be reminded of.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is realise that you need to move on no matter how much is hurts to accept it.
Wise words.
Very true and no one should ever doubt it.
He will never leave you.
Something I need to work on. I am finally learning that when I am worrying to pray.
Being yourself will get you the guy in the long run.
More wise words
Something I need to work on.
God will help you no matter how broken your heart is.


















Thursday, April 18, 2013

A better week

This week has been a better week, though it has been a lot like last week. I have had no interviews and no jobs have been advertised that match what I am looking for, but I have been busy which has made a huge difference. I went into the city to meet a friend on Monday for coffee and did a bit of shopping, I got my Mum a Mothers Day gift (I like to be organised) and bought myself a blue nose friend because sometimes you just need a little pick me up :). Tuesday was spent trying to catch up on sleep and I went shopping for a pair of jeans at my local Good Sammys (Op shop/thrift shop) and I found the perfect pair in near new condition for only $5 they fit me perfectly and are exactly what I wanted. Wednesday I had an employment agency meeting which went well, we disscussed my mock interview that I had the other week to see if my interview technique needs working on and the possibilty of getting work experience at a business that works with kids with disabilities (that deals with my sister who has Down Syndrome) and a driving lesson which I survived. Today I caught up on sleep and didn't get out of bed until 11.00am (my sleep has been off the past week and I have been lucky to get 5 hours so I managed to get a full 11 hours of deep sleep) and then decided to make buttermilk scones which turned out amazingly and ate 5 of them because I could.

School holidays start on Friday which means the next two weeks should fly by, as having sisters and Mum home? Means theres never a dull moment and always lots to do.

The above photo is of my Blue Nose Friend (I have wanted one for ages), a skunk which I have named Blossom and the photo on the left is of my latest obession: fabric tape which I purchased off ebay ($5 for all the rolls including postage), I know one of the big trends on Pintrest is Washi tape but fabric tape has so many more uses and is more durable.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Waiting

The hardest thing about unemployment is the waiting. You wait for jobs to come to up that match what you are looking for so you can apply to them, you wait for phone calls about interviews, you wait for the interview to come and spend a good hour getting ready plus travel time and finally you wait to see if you have the job or not. Its a waiting game and it doesn't go quickly either on average it can be anywhere from 1 day (in extremely rare cases) or 1 month to find out if you have an interview or not then it can be be anywhere from 1day to 1 week to find out if you have the job or not. Its a long wait and in a world where we're used to getting everything now, it can be a learning curve.

Then you have the waiting time that needs to be filled this is the hardest part for me. There is only so many days a girl can take watching movies and being lazy and if you don't fill those days then you get depressed and it goes downhill from there. This past week I have been boardering on depressed and fine, I have spent the bulk of my days at home because I have no money and my sleep has been off for some reason. Thursdays are my worst day as every Thursday I always feel 'down' and nothing helps me get out of that feeling, the rest of the days can be bad but I never reach as low as I do on Thursdays.

I posted this on my Facebook page on Thursday: The hardest part of trusting God with your future is when you have no idea what you should be doing then you realise that this is all in God's plan.
As much as I hate waiting, its all in God's plan for me and I know the reward will be worth it. I know that some days and weeks will be harder than others its just learning to stay focused on the big picture and 100% trusting in God.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Promises

Promises are things that are made easily and often thrown around like they mean nothing. Almost every advert on TV promises you something, "This hair style tool will make you throw away all your other styling tools!" "Your hair will want to make you jump for joy when you use this shampoo" "This knife will always be sharp!" "When you give your kids these vitamins you will notice a change in their behaviour, IQ and they will be little angels!" "Your cat will dance with you when you give them this cat food" these are just some of the promises products make, very little of them are true. Promises are not only thrown around in advertisments but in real life too and it can seem like the only point of promising something is to make the person happy for a short period then make them upset when they realise it isn't true.

This attitude can then be transferred onto promises that actually mean something and matter such as marriage vows. The divorce rate is quite high and is always raising partly due to people getting told when you marry someone it isn't a permanent thing and its ok to change your mind after a few years. For Christians marriage is a sacred thing and the wedding vows are not only a promise to each other but to God too.

In the bible God promises many and each one happens. After the floods he promised that there would never be big flood again and sure parts of the world do flood but none of them have ever been even remotely close in size to the one Noah built the ark for. He promised that whoever believes in him shall go to heaven and live with him forever and its the truth. God has promised many things and each one he meant, he didn't promise something then go back on it.

Promises should never be taken lightly, though in this society they often are and its sad. Next time you promise something mean it.

This post has been sitting in the draft section of my blog for quite some time but when a friend liked the above picture on Facebook, I felt I should finish it off. 

Monday, April 8, 2013

Finding an escape

Blogging is the only that is making sense at the moment. I can't believe I am admitting it but lately I spend all my time listening to music and either going through a draft post (always the same one) or waiting for inspiration for a new post. The job front is looking bad and once again I can feel myself slowly loosing grip on the positives and focusing on the negatives. I find myself wanting to hit my head against a wall and wondering what on earth is happening to me. This time 2 weeks ago I was confident and the feeling of confidence made me come alive, now I am a just a shell of it.
None of my stratergies are helping me, things that have always worked aren't working, I am loosing focus and nothing is helping me refocus. Today I was in a down mood and nothing was working, even my iftheworstcomestotheworst stratergies weren't working. I tried to cry but no tears came, going on my favourite funny websites didn't produce any laughter or emotion, baking bread (it somehow helps me feel better) made me mad at the dough- even though it worked perfectly!
I can't and won't give up on finding a job and even though I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing at the moment, I will keep searching until it does.
I need an escape yet I can't seem to find one and am beginning to wonder if I ever will.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Its ok to cry

A while ago I was having a bad day, nothing was particulary bad about it I just felt down and nothing was helping me get out of the mood. Eventually the tears came and as they made their way down my face I felt better not a lot but a bit so I let them fall I was sick of putting on my 'I'm ok face' and came to the realisation that sometimes its ok to cry. I needed to let everything out and if crying silent tears was the way to do it then so be it.
That was a while ago and since then I have done it a few times and each time I haven't felt ashamed or angry at myself for letting the tears fall. Sometimes the only way to move forward is to let the tears fall. Some days you just need to take a mental health day and spend the day doing nothing, turn off from the world and just do whatever it takes to get you back up to being able the face the next challange. I spent Friday doing nothing, I baked cookies then ate them for lunch just because I could, went through past blog posts and texted friends because I knew if I didn't take some time out I wouldn't be able to face the next week.
This coming week has nothing planned yet in a way it does, I want to go and visit the building where I did work experience with brownies, I want to have coffee with a few friends and I hopefully will have a few more job interviews. I have come to the realisation that I am not in control of my life- God is and he was all along and whatever he plans for me I will accept.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Waiting and praying

I sometimes wish I could see into the future, not my whole life just 3 years ahead. Maybe then I wouldn't feel worthless at times or get discouraged when I get interviews but not jobs. I wonder what job I would be working, whether I would have a boyfriend or not, if I would adopt the kitten I so want, if I did travel over east to see my nieces and nephew celebrate their first birthday or not, what car I would be driving. It would give me the peace of mind realising that life does get better.

Yesterday I knocked back an interview, it was too hard to get to yes I was probably making it more complicated than it really was to get to but I knew where it was (I lived around the area many years ago and drove past the building a fair bit) and I couldn't see myself making the trek to it by public transport. Yes I can see myself getting my license by the end of the year but at the moment I don't have it in me to catch 2 buses and a train to it. I also knew the chances getting the job was slim and when you have had a busy week sometimes having a job interview on top of everything else that has been happening is to much for me emotionally. For me to knock back interviews isn't new I have done it a few times because of various reasons and I have never regretted doing it.

I have been missing work experience alot this past week, it gave me a purpose and it something to do. I loved being busy and throwing myself into working. For it to end feels strange but I am praying a job comes up at the uni soon and maybe in a few weeks I will get a call regarding more work that I can do, I just don't know.

Today I intend to my day making cookies and making cards whilist watching Pitch Perfect (third time this week and I can quote almost all of Fat Amy's lines, don't judge) because I need a mental health day, before I face the real world again. Because lets face it some days its ok to sleep in and have no desire to do anything other than craft and bake because if I don't look after my mental health then I will get no where any time soon.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

An update on the job seeker front

I have an intense post coming up, but I am currently waiting to get feedback on it as I am still not 100% sure that it gets the point(s) across.

I am back to square one again this week and I am not enjoying it all. Today I had another employment agency meeting which went well but led no where. I was asked if I had any back up jobs that I wouldn't mind doing and honestly I don't. I would love to be an author but that takes time and though I one day hope to be one I need money and security, web design is another thing I enjoy yet I don't have the training and my skills need developing. Administration is the only thing I have ever felt I could do, sure I have hobbies but none of them leave anywhere. Writing is the only hobby I can see leading me somewhere but not at the moment or any time soon.

I know that the job market is tough but the thing is I have God on my side and I know if I trust him I will get the perfect job.

Yesterday afternoon I put on Pitch Perfect (I can probably quote most of Fat Amy's lines haha) and made the building where I did work experience a card to say Thank You, it was the least I could do for them all. I honestly doubt they know how much they helped me and I felt that a bought card wouldn't do justice. It turned out better than expected (amazing what some coloured paper, a few flower punches, some buttons, glitter and a scrap of ribbon can do!) and I can't wait to make a few more cards like this one (might be able to use up most of paper scraps in my craft box).


I am hoping the post will up by the end of the week, I am warning you guys it is intense but it needs to be out there.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Finishing up work experience

Yesterday I finished up work experience at the university as there is no more work for me to do. I enjoyed every moment of it (even the moments I was fighting with the printer/photocopier!), I felt like I had a purpose and that alone gave me self confidence. I was never made to feel anything but an equal around the people I worked with. Everyone who worked in the building loved it and you could sense it as soon as you walked in the door.

On my third day working there I could feel an anxiety attack coming on before I started work, I managed to be beat it and no one could've guessed that I almost had an attack. The feeling that I didn't let it win was amazing and I finally had peace that I can beat the attacks.

As far as the job front goes I had an interview on Monday which was unsuccessful and I am praying that something comes up soon while I am on this confidence high from work experience. I don't know any 18 year olds who have a professor as a reference on their resume so I am hoping that will make me stand out from the crowd. I have also been told that if any more work comes up at the uni I will get a call and as I am considered staff (I have a login and staff card) so it means that I have a better chance of getting a job there. This chapter has ended and my next chapter begins and as sad as it is to finish up this chaper I know God has something special for the next chapter of my life.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Hitting the ground running

Today I hit the ground running (literally at times). I managed to make it to my interview only 2 minutes late (big thanks to road works and slow drivers!) and it went ok. Then I raced to work experience and got there at 10.45am where I worked nonstop (doing a stocktake of the stationary cupboard, filing, answering phones and dealing with general enquiries ect) in the middle of it all I got a phone call regarding that mornings interview telling me that they were very sorry but I didn't get the job. To be honest I didn't care, it was tricky to get to, the hours weren't ideal and I couldn't see myself working there long term. Sure if I got offered the job I would've taken it, but I knew all along that there was a better job out there for me.

When asked why I want to to work in admin I have always said that I am good with computers and people but they are just reasons in a sense. The other week (when I was having an interview that wasn't an interview for work experience) the reason finally came to me: I want to help people and try and make a difference in their lives even if its only for a second or two. I know there are lots of jobs that help people 'directly' yet admin is one of those jobs where you help people indirectly and through everything you do, though at times you may not feel like you are helping someone you are.

I am just continuing to pray that God will give me the right job at the right time and until then I will continue to do work experience and focus on the bigger picture, whatever that may be.