Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Trying to stay positive

People keep asking me how I stay so positive throughout all this time of being unemployed and the truth is I have to be otherwise I would break and get into a hole that I would never get out of. The thing is I do break at times, especially after I find out I don't get jobs that I want and felt that could be 'The job'. I hate breaking and wish I could stay positive all of the time but its not possible, I know there is job out there for me but I feel like I will never find it and each time I get knocked back I find myself just a bit closer to giving up completely.
I know I should be thankful that I have a good support system but its hard when so many of them have their lives together and then there's me the unemployed person who has to wait another 3 months until she can drive.
I turn twenty in less than 2 weeks and I know I should be exited, it means I am leaving my teenagehood behind but how can be exited when its looking like I will still be unemployed and will be a similar place where I was last year. Honestly all I want for my birthday is a job, I want to be able move forward and start saving for a car and wake up with a purpose but that chances of getting a job in less than 2 weeks seems impossible.
I know that God has a plan for me and trust him completely but I wish he would hurry up with it!

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Movie Review: If I Stay

Today I headed to the movies to see If I Stay and as I know a lot of my friends are trying to decide whether they should see it or not I thought I would do a review of it. I read the book and loved it, I read it in 24 hours and cried throughout reading it so I was expecting the film to be a tear jerker and it was! I would recommend wearing waterproof mascara and taking tissues when you go see it. I am really tempted to go see it again (I like to watch films at least twice where possibly as I love to focus on the characters and the little details that I have may have missed the second time round!).
For those who have the read the book its quite true to it, though my one complaint is that the accident scene doesn't have the same depth as it did in the book and I feel that they could have made it more dramatic and slightly longer rather than keeping it short and not showing how gruesome it should be, saying that everything else is spot on.
The actors have all done the characters justice Chloe Grace Mortez plays the part of Mia perfectly and Jamie Blackley seems to be Adam if that makes sense (you see him and you go that's how I pictured Adam, he's perfect!).
Even if you haven't read the book the storyline is gripping and I found much of it relatable especially Mia second guessing herself (as someone who suffers with self confidence I could totally relate to that part) and I think we can all relate to feeling like outsider which Mia also struggles with. The main theme throughout the film is does she choose to live and the inner struggle Mia has, this is shown with flashbacks to various significant parts of her life such as the first moment she saw/touched/played the cello, her parents rocker lifestyle, meeting Adam for the first time, auditioning to Julliard and her first major fight with Adam. The book also does this and I was curious as to how the film would be regarding the flashbacks and it works though the first couple of times it happens it can be confusing!
Would I see this film again? Yep definitely and its a great film to see with your girl friends :) Please do not drag along your guy friend/boyfriend/husband/brother/dad as I don't think they would cope with it! I only saw one guy in the whole movie theatre (he was in the row in front of me with what appeared to be his girlfriend) and I felt so sorry for him!
Did I cry in it? YES!!! Though not as much as I thought I would, I did cry in parts so wear the waterproof mascara and take tissues if you think you might cry during it, actually regardless whether or not you think you will cry in it as you will. My sister who told me that she would not cry in it cried as did her friend and I am pretty sure the bulk of the people in the theatre did as well.
The movie does end suddenly but so does the book but it makes sense once it settles in your mind. There is sequel to If I Stay called Where She Went which may get made into a movie depending on how well If I Stay does but the film does end when it should so don't think there should be more.
If you loved the movie it is worth checking out If I Stay and Where She Went both by Gayle Forman they aren't long reads and are both beautifully written.
I feel the need to end this post with a shout out to Rikki-kitty who decided that halfway through this post he needed attention which meant for part of writing this I was playing soccer with him in the bathroom! I'm not complaining as he hasn't been very playful until now so I am happy that he is settling in well :)

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Meet Paprika (Rikki) and an update

Thanks to everyone who has helped me cope with Alfie's death over the past few days, its been hard but I have survived!
Today I adopted another cat, my reasons for this is because as I am currently un-employed it means that I can be home with the cat and be able to bond with him, also because my heart was aching for another cat (even though I live with Bella and Maddy). I was looking on our local cat shelters website when I saw this little guy, after a call to the shelter and a talk to his foster mum (who I have promised to send email updates to) I decided that I would love to meet him. Well things went well and I brought him home, so meet Paprika or Rikki as he is known by.
He is ginger with a white chest and socks, his eyes are mesmerising and he love cuddles. He has potential to be a real sook and I am hoping a lap cat (I have just always had visions of me studying or writing a novel with a cat on my lap purring).
In other news I had a job interview yesterday which went really well and I am praying it will be the job for me! Its 4 days a week, close to home in a small office and the people who interviewed me seemed really nice. I will hear if I have the job next Tuesday and if I do I will start the following Monday (a week before my 20th Birthday, I still can't believe I turn 20 in just under 3 weeks!) so fingers crossed. Ideally if I get the job I would be working 4 days a week then study the other day as I am keen to get my diploma in business administration which I can do online over 2 years. So if you could please pray that I get this job that would be great, I know its in God's hands but its hard waiting to see what happens!
I am trying not to worry much and I know having Rikki will keep me busy. I am also planning on seeing the film If I Stay this weekend with my youngest sister, I loved the book so I am hoping the movie is good (though I am expecting to cry during it as I cried throughout the whole book!).
Once again my life has taken an unexpected turn but I am trying to stay focused and trust God during this challenging and confusing time :)
 

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Goodbye Alfie

This morning Alfie passed away, it was unexpected but it happened. He had caught a bird on Friday and one of the bones in the bird pierced his stomach (we believe) so last night he passed away. Waking up to this news was hard, he was my baby after all, yet for reasons I do not know it was in God's plans that it would happen. He almost 2 still a young cat who had helped me so much over the year and a half we had had him. He brought me joy and always made me smile, he could also be a toad at times and liked to destroy headphones and was obsessed with bells. He wormed his way to mine and my families hearts and loved to be around us. I need to keep this post short and sweet and not dwell on the past because that will only destroy me.

Alfie thank you so much for helping me get through so much, I will always love you and the house will be a quieter place without you, be sure to tell Tom hello from us and all the rest of the bunch (Meetchie, Chickpea, Floyd and Punch) as well.
Love you so much my furry little baby
Mummy xxx

Friday, August 15, 2014

19 years and 11 months

Today I am officially 19 years and 11 months which means (drumroll) that in exactly 1 month I will no longer be a teenager. I am unsure how I feel about turning 20, I mean I should be exited or something right? Yet all I can think about is how the past couple years have been let downs, well not my actual birthday but a week or so after the day things begin to go haywire and never seem to pick back up.
My 18th birthday was fun and I enjoyed the week leading up to it as it was (meant to be) my last week of freedom before I started my first ever 'grownup job' 2 afters turning 18 of course my anxiety forced me to leave that job and I was diagnosed with severe anxiety attacks. Don't get me wrong I later found if I hadn't received treatment for the attacks when I did they would have been impossible to treat and I am much better off because of it but it was still a let down. My 19 birthday was quiet and rather low key as I had spent 3 weeks leading up to doing temp work full time but it was still fun, well a week after it I finished that temp work and I have been unemployed ever since. I am not complaining but I would like for this birthday to be different to have the actual day be perfect and then not a few days or a week later my life to fall apart.
I know that everything is in God's hands and there is a reason for everything but I can't help but wonder what the reason behind me waiting so long to get a job is about. I do know that when I eventually passed my drivers test it was that much sweeter and I don't take being able to drive for granted (yes I am still on my hours but in just over 3 months I will officially have my license!) so when I do eventually get a job it will be worth it.
For now I will be trying to enjoy my last month of being a teenager and praying that I get a job before my 20th birthday.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

100 Reasons to Smile

The actor Robin Williams (supposedly no official ruling has been made) committed suicide, Monday evening in America. It was sad to loose such an amazing actor but it has also brought Mental Illness out of the darkness.
I have always been honest on here about my battles with Anxiety because unlike some people I am
not  ashamed of consistently battling and seeking treatment for it. I was officially diagnosed with it when I was 12 at the beginning of high school, this may seem young for many people but my parents had no idea what to do and knew that if I didn't receive the correct diagnosis and treatment soon, I would continue being my own worst enemy and making both their lives and mine hell.
When I first started seeing my (amazing) doctor I was a mess and he later would tell me that he honestly didn't see me finishing year 10 and graduating high school seemed out of the question as my anxiety was so bad. I not only completed year 10 but graduated high school and went on to do a Cert. 3 in Business at TAFE, something which he honestly didn't believe I could do. Yes I had my struggles through that time including battling depression in my final year of high school but I made it.
Then when I was 18 I had to seek more help with severe anxiety attacks, I was fortunate enough that I got treatment at the right time (which I have no doubt was a God thing) as if I had left it any later it would've been almost impossible to break the cycle of the attacks. I was told that I wouldn't be able to do full time work for at least 2 years yet I was able to in under a year (yes it was only a month of temp work but it was full time and I coped really well).
I still battle with anxiety and mental illness on a regular basis and when you're unemployed you learn to be creative with how you cope. Yesterday I was at a low point and I just wanted to hit my head against the wall because I was feeling so helpless so I baked cookies instead as a distraction. The thing I have had days where I have wanted to give up and just want to end it all but I haven't. Yes at times its hard to keep going (I have been unemployed for almost a year here so I can sympathise) but one thing I have found that helps is to try and find reasons to smile. Some days its small things like a cuddle from Alfie, my sister calling me cute or reading something funny on the internet. Other days its big things like finding the perfect pair of silver hoops, getting a job interview or meeting a friend for coffee. I also plan things a few days in advance so I always have something to look forward to, I read about someone who did that so that if they were feeling suicidal they could remember that they had committed to doing something that they had to live for. I also write lists of things that suck then a list of things that don't suck the latter list always becomes the bigger one. They may seem like such trivial things but they really do help.
A while ago I entered a short story in a competition I didn't place, but it was good to write and it fits in with this post perfectly, its based slightly off the time when I was seeing my psychologist. Please let me know what you think by leaving a comment (I might post more short stories on here if I get a good response).

100 Reasons to Smile

A short story by Erin Maree

I have been told I have to find a 100 reasons to smile, ‘it will help you, I swear’ my psychologist said when I turned up for our fortnightly appointment and told her I haven’t been able to smile since my last anxiety attack 6 months ago. So here I am writing in this notebook which is meant to go everywhere with me so I can jot down each time I smile. I told her what if there is nothing to smile about and she said I have to look for the little things, the things that will mean something to me, the things that are just between me and the world.

 March 25th
Managed to get out of bed today willingly, ended up going to the garden store and buying 3 pots and 3 packets of seeds going to try and plant them and watch them grow. I managed to smile 3 times: twice at the gardening store when a little girl asked what I was doing and followed me around the store and again when I planted the seeds.

 March 26th
One of my friends dragged me out of for coffee today she insisted I couldn’t stay being unsocial forever, it was good to be social I managed to smile 5 times today maybe I am getting better?

 March 27th
I couldn’t smile today.

March 28th
Baked brownies and ate way too many but I managed to smile 3 times during the course of eating them.

 March 29th
Dug out my collection of nail polish and painted my nails with my younger cousin she asked if I was princess as I look like one, I smiled and wished I had childlike innocence like her. I managed to smile 5 times today.

 March 30th
My mood matched the sky today, grey, dark and raining. The tears wouldn’t stop falling today, silent and empty. I wonder if I will ever stop having down days?

 March 31st
I didn’t want to get out of bed today again but I did and blasted Taylor Swift and danced around the house. I smiled 3 times today though it took me forever for the first smile to happen but the other 2 followed soon after.

 April 1st
The seeds I planted are beginning to sprout, I can’t wait to see them grow more. I smiled 3 times today.

 April 2nd
My best friend came and made me get dressed up to go see a movie and have dinner, she also stayed the night and I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. I am thankful to have a friend who will travel 2 hours just to see me when I am going through hard times. I smiled too many times to count today and even managed to laugh.

 April 3rd
My best friend went home today, she has work tomorrow and can’t afford to stay another night. It was good to see her though and we managed to fit in a few more bouts of laughter and a brief shopping trip, I wish she didn’t live 2 hours away!

 April 4th
 spent the day locked away and only ventured out to get food. How can I have such good days then such bad days?!

April 5th
Spent the day watching funny movies, trying to laugh, I couldn’t manage a laugh but I did smile a few times.

 April 6th
I have lost count on how much I have been smiling or if it outweighs the down parts of my days but I do know it’s an improvement. Today I snuggled with my cat and read a book, and felt content for one of the first times I can remember since the anxiety attack. I see my psychologist on the 9th of April so I will see what she thinks.

 April 7th
Went shopping today and bought a dress, one of the guys in the store commented saying ‘it’s the cute girl who was in the store the other day’ that gave me a big boost of confidence and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

 April 8th
Slept in today followed by a long bubble bath I felt so relaxed, I really need to do these more! I then got a text from one of my friends asking me if I wanted to head into the city for a late lunch and that one of my favourite stores was having a sale and we could check that out too. So I did that and we had a girl’s day and picked up a few bargains, she then treated me to gelato! I am so thankful to have such great friends who treat me well.

April 9th
I saw my psychologist today, I told her I doubted I had found 100 reasons to smile but I was feeling a lot better and hadn’t been having so many down days. She nodded and told me that she could tell that I was feeling much more happier and that down days are going to happen it’s just that we have to get them spread more and more apart and that’s what is happening. I told her that eventually I lost count of how many times I was smiling as it was getting too hard to keep count she simply said ‘that was the idea, I gave you the target of 100 reasons to smile so that you could look for the small things and eventually it would become a habit and you wouldn’t be able to keep track of how many times you have been smiling.’ I know I will still have down days and moments but hopefully I won’t hit rock bottom again like I did, I just have to remember to find the things in each day, the things that no one notices the things that are just between me the world, the small things which will help me smile and eventually find a 100 reasons to smile.

If for whatever reason your or a friend needs help Buzzfeed has put together a list of 16 places where you can help from click here to see them all. Remember if you or a friend is seriously committing suicide do not hesitate to call 000 if its serious.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Any Less Harder

I didn't get the job I went for last Tuesday and it sucks, I also haven't heard anything from the first round interview I had last Wednesday either which also sucks. Being unemployed is never easy, its hard when you think you might finally have a chance at getting a job and you don't, its hard when people seem to get jobs easily when you're stuck still looking for work, its hard applying for job after job seeing no results, being unemployed is just hard.
I can't see an end to being unemployed and that's the hardest part. I want to wake up in the morning with a purpose and looking forward to working, I want to be able to dream of the future and set money aside for it, I want to come home exhausted after a hard day of work and most of all I just want a job.
Nothing has ever been easy for me, I mean I failed my drivers test 4 times! So why should this be any easier for me?! I guess maybe I just want for one thing to be easy for once in my life.
I keep wishing I could see into the future, because that way I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, instead I feel as though I am drowning and just when I think I am getting close to the surface I get pushed back under. I know I am going to have days when the cracks will really show and the tears will fall, I know God is in control of everything and that his timing is never wrong and I know one day I will eventually get a job, it just doesn't make what I am going through any less harder.