The Story That Needs to be Told

This is a story I never in a million years thought I would tell and honestly, I am scared to tell but it needs to be told. I have wrestled with this for many months because it still hurts to think about it, and I am still working through my thoughts and feelings about what went down. I don’t wish to paint anyone in a negative light and what I am telling is my side of the story and what I experienced. This is the story of how I landed and lost my dream job or what I thought was my dream job. Because I can't use real names or company names, I will be referring to my ex-employer as N and the company as NSO. 

Let's start at the beginning its mid-2020 everyone is in Covid lockdown and I get an email from the supervisor of the Youth Ambassador program I was involved in asking if I wanted to interview this guy - N over Zoom who was going to be hiking in Tasmania to raise awareness for the organisation I was representing. I said yes and that marked my first meeting with N, the interview went well and I had a good time. I ended up following N on Instagram to see how he would go with the hike (and he followed me back). Now 2020 was challenging for me not because of Covid but due to my health issues and I had a lot of down days. My dizziness was starting to take hold, nothing was showing on tests and treatments weren't working. Covid was really the least of my worries because at least it meant that I could hide away and process what I was going through. At the end of 2020, I posted on my Instagram story how challenging the year had been and how I was glad it was over. A while later N messages me with his sympathies and asks if I want to come work for his start-up and he would be in contact with me in the new year. I thought nothing of it and kept moving on with my life. 

Fast forward to mid-2021, I had yet another job rejection this wasn't an interview, but it was a pre-recorded video interview for a job that really wanted, and I got a rejection. This resulted in my body having a major nosebleed so I posted on my Instagram story a photo of me and a caption along the lines of “Hey mental health can impact your physical health too”. N then messages me saying that he wants me to work for his start-up and that he thinks we can do something good together. This time I agree and the next day he calls me, he tells me he wants to combine coffee and mental health and he wants me to write mental health content for the website and provide online support in real-time via online messaging. I was hesitant but I had nothing to lose because hey I was already at rock bottom why not try this?

So, it began; I helped write a business plan, I started to write and map out content and I helped beta test the live chat feature on the website. In July it officially launched, and I was so proud. Now we hadn't really discussed payment, but N told me he would help pay my rent, phone bill etc. until the company started to earn money. (This was even included in the business plan under expenses.) Something I should add is that I had never met N in person he lived over east, and I had planned on meeting him when me and two of my friends went over to see Hamilton but due to Covid that didn't end up happening. I often wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had met N in person. 

Things started to get real I wrote content pieces, wrote policies for the company and figured out what the mental health side should be like. N brought on A to help with the coffee aspect hoping that having someone just to focus on the coffee side of things would help make and increase sales. I was left to my own devices mostly and except for semi-weekly check-ins I had free reign on the content and mental health side of things. I was still applying for jobs (and getting interviews) because I wasn't getting paid, with the plan eventually being I would have enough work at NSO to not need to look for other jobs. 

In September a few big things happened my parents and middle sister left to be missionaries in another country, I turned 27, I got my official work contract and the Oz Bargain saga happened. The Oz Bargain saga still makes me shudder, the gist of what happened is that due to the lockdowns happening over east N decided to slash all the coffee equipment down to wholesale prices, so we weren't actually making any money on the purchases, he called it a lockdown sale or something along those lines. Someone then shared this amazing deal they had found on Oz Bargain and our website blew up (literally overnight) and we had all these orders coming in. Being a small start-up company we couldn't fulfil these orders in a timely manner. Now N was in his element and thought this was good publicity and couldn't see the issue in this. My role then turned from Mental Health Officer to Customer Service Officer and so began me fielding live chats from people asking where their order was and if it had been fulfilled. J had also just joined the team to help with the customer service side of things and they were thrown into the deep end. This got the company in debt and the good publicity ended up being bad publicity as people weren't receiving their orders in a timely manner and would then complain to me and J, both of us didn't really know what was happening and it showed. My mental health content got put on the back burner as I had to help manage these chats. I was also getting asked for coffee advice which was not my area of expertise and I found myself feeling like I was drowning. Now towards the end of September, we received our contracts and the general gist of them was we would all get paid for a minimum of 20 hours a week (any more hours would be banked) if there was money in the account if there wasn't it would get banked for the next week but only if there was money in the account. This was to keep us as a cash-positive business and not need to use credit or loans to keep the company afloat. I didn't completely understand this and to be honest I was just happy to have a job that I loved and a contract. 

When I first started I worked between 25-30 hours a week but towards the end, it was easily 35-40 hours a week. I sometimes would work weekends and evenings to fit in with N’s schedule (specifically when it came to meetings and podcast recordings). N had another job that paid his bills and BSO was his passion project, but the eventual plan was that once NSO took off he would take a step away from that job and fully focus on NSO. Each week I would input the hours into the accounting software which would then notify the accountant and N along with helping calculate the leave hours that were building up. Over the course of my employment occasionally I would get a random $500 a week but no pay slip and the only indication I knew it was for my work was that on the transaction statement on my bank account, it would say "NSO wages". Prior to these payments, I was paid a one-off payment for the content pieces I had written before the contract kicked in.

I remember telling my psychologist how lucky I was to have found this job and so many people could see how beneficial it was to my mental health. I was the happiest I had been in a long time and I loved feeling like I was making a difference in the mental health sector and that maybe some of the content I was writing was helping people. I wasn’t really given any direction with the content pieces I was writing so I had free reign as long as it was relevant. The only real constructive feedback I would get from N was to change the images I used to fit our brand but everything else was positive. I didn't have any experience in content writing, my only experience was writing for my personal blog so for me to get two pieces of content out a week was a learning curve, but I made it work. All while helping with other business stuff like general inquiries, supporting J and being available on the live chat in case anyone needed support. 

The shelves in my home office.

Now N was an ideas person so he encouraged me (and the other employees) to think big. I remember saying that I wanted to do a web show or a podcast about mental health and interviewing different professionals and people about mental health and breaking down the stigma. I got told it was a good idea but then nothing really happened about it until a couple of weeks later N said we should start a podcast and acted like it was his idea when I specifically remember mentioning it. I was then left to my own devices to work out what exactly the podcast would look like, brainstorm name ideas and put together a general programming schedule. I remember being so proud of the name I had come up with after brainstorming with a friend about names. Of course, when I presented these ideas to N he brushed them aside because in his mind he had a clear idea of what it should look like and my ideas didn't fit into those.  

N was big on branding and image. I was strongly encouraged to change my social media usage to reflect NSO. I was told I needed fewer cat pictures, fewer baked goods, more positive stuff and more coffee/mental health-related content. I was encouraged to live, work and breathe NSO and it honestly sucked. I wasn't the company I was someone who worked for NSO and was (am) passionate about mental health but also loved baking, cats and crafting etc. so I wanted my socials to reflect that. I felt restricted by these guidelines especially because I wanted my Instagram to truly reflect the ups and downs of my life and show who I really was.

Fast-forward a bit it's now early 2022 I came back after Christmas ready to work and feeling refreshed. I immediately got to work on a content piece about video games and mental health, that was the last thing I posted under what I think of as the old system. I realised that J had left the company (A had left late 2021) so it was just N and I. All of N’s attention was now on me and he decided we were going to be bigger and better than ever. I went from having freedom regarding what I wrote and did to everything being put under a microscope. I remember writing a content piece and he decided it wasn't good enough, so I had to rewrite it multiple times despite him not giving me any real direction and not communicating with me what he wanted. I went from getting one content piece out a week to one content piece out a month if that. This became the pattern I would get told one thing and the next day it would change. This bled over into other areas of the business including weekly work meetings. An example of this is I was told to take ownership of content meetings and then would get steamrolled by N, I had never led content meetings and I had no idea what to do or what N was expecting. N would also tell me to tell him what I needed of him and he would then fail to meet those needs. These needs weren't much they were just to show up when we had online meetings and to give me guidance, not throw demands on me unexpectedly. N was often late to meetings, or he would forget about them (despite having them on multiple Google calendars) until I reminded him that he had one and he would apologise but then repeat it the next week. For someone with anxiety, this was stressful and I hated how unpredictable it was and it made planning my workday hard.  

We started to shoot the podcast and we ran into tech difficulties mainly regarding sound quality. So random equipment started appearing at my door, equipment that he had ordered for me from Amazon. I ended up with a new computer monitor, keyboard and mouse, a high-tech microphone with a stand, headphones and a new webcam. But I wasn't getting paid regularly and this brought up some anxiety but of course, I didn't press N because hey I was getting this equipment instead so our financials couldn't be that bad right? He would occasionally mention all this debt from the Oz Bargain saga and how we needed to get on top of it before our cash flow could increase. Looking back that debt had nothing to do with me so why it impacted my wages is beyond me. 

In March 2022 N was going overseas to do a hike to raise awareness of mental health and also the NSO brand. So, I was left to my own devices for a month. He had been pushing me to find my own adventure challenge to focus on, so I had set my sights on doing a hike down south over 7 days for the NSO brand. While he was away, I had to write 2 content pieces, record a draft podcast episode, research what I needed for the adventure and also keep the website afloat. 

The latter proved impossible as the website was taken offline, I messaged a friend in hysterics asking her what I should do as I couldn't get access to the website and my login wasn't working. I ended up messaging someone who was able to contact N and he assured me he was on it and it would soon be sorted. The website was down the whole month he was away and when he got back, he played it off like it was planned (I have no idea if this was true or not). He then said he was making it a new initiative so that every March we would go offline so we could recharge and come back with new ideas.

N came back from this adventure feeling inspired and he began focusing on my adventure. He agreed to pay for whatever I needed to achieve my hike (which never ended up happening) including twice weekly small group Pilates/physio, personal training and a nutrition coach. He wanted to market this adventure to people who might be hesitant about hiking so that they would get the support they needed to go on it and we could turn this into an opportunity for NSO.

Now picture this I was under pressure at my job (a job that I loved), training for a hike but I wasn't getting paid. On one hand, my physio, personal training and nutrition were getting paid for on the other hand I wasn't getting paid which was taking a mental toll on me. I was surviving off of the New Start payment which isn't a lot and hoping I would get a regular wage soon. I didn't tell anyone how bad it was until two of my close friends came over for a girls' night one Saturday and I have no idea how they did it but they got it out of me. I remember crying on the couch and them praying over me for the situation, this was the first time I had spoken to anyone about what was happening. They encouraged me to talk to N about the situation and ask for clarity. 

I asked N for clarity about wages the Monday after the girls’ night and he assured me that we were almost out of debt, and I would soon start getting paid again. In a follow-up email, he told me that I would start getting paid soon and gave me a rough estimate of when the debt would be paid off. I had my suspicions and eventually, I decided to call up Fair Work and ask about my rights and what job award I was under. As my role wasn't directly related to selling coffee they ended up needing to research this for me and they rang me back with what my award was most likely (miscellaneous) and assured me it was very illegal if I wasn’t getting paid at least monthly regardless of what the contract stated.

The date of when I would start getting paid came and went and I was really stressed about my financial situation. I approached N again, this time N mentioned that maybe I should switch to being a freelancer and he asked me what I wanted. I was devastated he not only completely ignored my concerns, but I would most likely have to return to being a job seeker, which I didn't know if I could do. 

I called up my employment agency consultant (in tears) who after listening advised me to take a couple of days off and not rush into things. That afternoon I wrote N an email telling him what I wanted which wasn't to leave the job I loved or become a freelancer, I just wanted assurance that I would get a regular wage and some financial stability.

The next day I got an email that has been burned into my mind and I remember reading it and bursting into tears. The gist of it was that I had four options about what I could do followed by that he took me on despite my lack of experience so that in reality I was more of an intern - I had never lied about my experience I told him from the get-go that I had my Certificate 4 and Diploma in Community Services and I wasn't a journalist. He also said he took me on despite my liability - my mental illness. Now who in their right mind calls a mental illness a liability especially if they are running a mental health-positive company?! This still makes my blood boil and the word liability continues to haunt me. In the email, he was talking himself up and acting like he did me a huge favour and rescued me while also bringing me down in the process and making me feel guilty for wanting to get paid regularly.

This is when things started to crumble, and I realised what was my dream job wasn’t my dream job. I realised I had been lying to myself if I thought this would work out long-term. It would take a few more weeks before I had the courage to leave but this was the day I started to take the steps to leave.

I was fortunate enough that I had a psychologist appointment that morning the timing of which couldn't have been more perfect. I walked into my psych's room and she asked me what had been happening and I burst into tears. I vividly remember her saying it's ok you're here now you're in the right place. I showed her the email on my phone, and she was shocked, I poured out my confession the secret that I wasn't getting paid and it was taking a huge toll on my anxiety. She was concerned about my feelings and potential urges, but I promised her I would go and see my doctor the next day (she knew my doctor would fit me in) and I contacted a friend who came over that night to support me. That afternoon one of my friends also called me and prayed with me over the phone. Now during this all going down I was meant to rerecord a podcast episode that afternoon and I remember N messaging me asking if it was happening. I was livid and when I told him it wasn't he insisted that we have a video call during which I told him I needed the week to think about the options in the email and for him not to contact me for the rest of the week.

Taken after one of my frequent crying sessions. 

I was able to see my doctor the next day after talking to the receptionist and explaining that my psychologist was concerned about my mental well-being. I’m what’s considered a medically complicated patient and I only call to ask for an appointment if something major is happening that can’t wait until my usual fortnightly/weekly appointments. My doctor was concerned when I walked into his office and told him what had been going on including the thoughts, I was having but after I assured him, I wasn’t going to act on them he decided I was safe. He did book me an appointment to see him a couple of days later so he could follow up with me and gave me a script for a medication to help me sleep.

The next week I had what would be my last meeting with N where he pretty much told me I wasn't pulling my weight, my content pieces weren't bringing in coffee sales (how do content pieces about mental health flow into coffee sales is beyond me!) and I would need to become a freelancer in order to work for NSO. I reluctantly agreed and it was determined I wouldn't work until I got a new contract. Now a close friend of mine was coming to stay with me for two weeks and I am SO thankful for her. During the two weeks she was here in between going on adventures I wrestled with what to do, I think I knew deep down, I couldn't stay. I wasn't getting paid which is illegal and my mental health had taken a hit. I also knew I couldn't work with someone who called my mental illness a liability despite wanting to run a mental health-positive company. 

On a Monday in August with my friend beside me, I rang up Fair Work to make my case officially, I forwarded all emails that would eventually be used to make my case to Fair Work from my work emails to my personal email. Then I sent in my resignation email along with mentioning to N that I had contacted Fair Work regarding not getting paid. Within 15 minutes of resigning, I had been locked out of my work email and N sent me a response telling me he would be sending me an NDA (non-disclosure agreement) and deed of release to sign and then I would get my final paycheck the amount would be what he calculated I had earned. He also told me that there wasn't a case with Fair Work due to my original contract. 

Two weeks after that email he sent me the NDA and deed of release and in it, I was told if I signed it I would get around $7500 as my final pay. I also had to cease all contact with anyone associated with NSO, take-down any social media posts mentioning NSO and pretty much remove any trace of NSO and the work I did. Safe to say I didn't sign it and instead continued to build up a case with Fair Work to fight for the money I was owed. 

The website continued on after I left, with business as usual with my content still online for everyone to see. At the start of the year N got rid of that website and with that my online presence for NSO. He eventually ended up launching a new website with a new web address and new content. The podcast episodes N and I recorded are still on Spotify but there's a new season of the podcast which starts suddenly and doesn't explain my absence or gives any indication of what happened. It's strange to see this new website and to have all evidence of the time and effort I put into NSO disappear. There's no record of anything and while it does make me angry, I am also relieved that there's not a permanent reminder online and that I can't be associated with NSO. 

I'm not going to go into too much detail with the Fair Work case because it's boring, traumatic, and long story short things just kept escalating further because B believed that he was in the right, and he didn't owe me anything more than the $7500 he offered. I had poured my blood, sweat and tears into the company and I was worth only $7500. It took over a year from the time I resigned to getting my final paycheck and at the end of it wasn't the complete amount I was owed and only some of the money. I say some of the money as I believe I was/am owed more but an award level can be hard to prove when working for a start-up so instead my hours are being paid out at minimum wage, not the award level I believe I should’ve been on. I didn't even get a lump sum instead I was being paid out on a payment plan in drips and drabs despite N having had over 7 months to come up with the money in a lump sum as per Fair Works request. 

After leaving NSO I threw myself into getting a new job because I believed the best way to get over what had happened was to get a new job but the interviews followed by consistent rejection took a toll on me. I had six interviews followed by six rejections in eight weeks and those on top of the trauma of leaving NSO led to me entering into a 28-day step up/step down mental health inpatient program (this is a program designed to help people avoid hospitalisations or help them transition out of hospitalisations for mental health) which helped me process what happened and understand it wasn't my fault. I was able to see that what I was going through was traumatic and that my feelings were (are) valid. I'm so thankful that I was able to access the program and they had a place for me (it was around 2 weeks from the time of referral to get an intake interview then 4 days from the intake interview to admission). To put things in perspective this was a program my psychologist had been encouraging me to go into (or at least consider) for a few years because she felt it would be beneficial, but I had been avoiding it due to my own self-stigma so for me to agree to it meant things were really bad.

I'm still haunted by what happened, I'm still working through the trauma that it all caused, the mental scars I have as reminders and the fact that it even happened to me. The front room which was my office (a room I had loved and made a fun space to work) feels strange, and I rarely go in there because despite putting things back to how they were I still picture it as my home office and workspace. I feel like a failure for trusting in N, I want to go back in time and warn the girl who was so full of hope not to do it. I have mental wounds that are still raw and just when they begin to heal something delays the process. I question what I saw in him but I know what I saw in him; I saw someone who would take a chance on me when no one else would, I saw a friend and a mentor, I saw possibilities and opportunities and I saw a chance to make a difference in the world no matter how small. N took advantage of someone who was vulnerable and desperate and it's not my fault for what happened, I was just believing in the lies he kept telling me and letting myself dream about all the possibilities. I feel sorry for N and I can't help but wonder how he sees this situation. Does he even feel remorseful about what went down and the pain he has caused? I honestly don't know and I will never know but I hope he looks back at this situation and learns from it. I also hope that he has learnt never to underestimate me (or anyone with a mental illness) and that I don't give up even when it drags out and he makes it difficult. I'm incredibly resilient and a fighter and this situation has just reassured me of those facts. 

I'm also wrestling with the fact that if this hadn't happened, I never would have been studying to get my Certificate 4 in Mental Health Peer Work (after seeing the valuable work peer workers do when I was in inpatient) working towards working in a field I am passionate about. I would have never met my awesome physio, PT or nutrition coach and found this community this is right on my doorstep and realised how physically strong I can be (despite my chronic dizziness). I never would have realised that I can write amazing content and have some content pieces I am proud of in my writing portfolio. While it's easy to focus on the negative and believe me some days it's all I focus on I also need to accept that good has come from it. 

I'm slowly moving on from what happened, it's taking longer than I expected but I am slowly but surely moving on and putting what happened behind me. I still have days when I am angry at N and what happened, I still have days where I blame myself for what happened and I still have days where I question why God had to let this happen to me. The reality is though that at the end of the day this shouldn't have happened, N should've paid me and I should never have had to go to Fair Work and fight for what was rightfully mine. 

***Update***

I took down this post after 2 weeks due to concerns that N would use it against me, but as of now I am paid out and everything has been closed. I have made some slight edits to this post since it was originally posted to reflect the final situation. Getting the closure and money wasn't easy but I am so proud of myself for sticking it out and fighting. N continued to make things difficult right up until the end including missing payments, payments being paid days after they were and then being blamed on bank delays and not providing me with pay slips. I'm finally free of N and the hold he had on me, he can't touch me and I am looking forward to the future and not focusing on the past. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe again.