Sunday, October 25, 2015

Anxiety: More than meets the eye

This is what's its like living with anxiety.
You overthink things and will revisit things multiple times even though its all in the past and there's nothing you can do about it.
You find yourself wishing you could hide away and just disappear at times.
There are days you want to stay in bed but still you get up and get dressed and try to stay focused.
Little things will set you off, flashbacks to bad experiences, someone saying something, unexpected situations, not all the events will be the same and you learn to listen to your heart rate and breathing.
You question why you take the pills and if you will always need them to live. Its become such a habit and you know that if you stop things will start to unravel before your eyes. You realise that unfortunately they don't fix everything associated with anxiety.
You realise you need a pschycologist and despite your bad experiences with one in when you were 12 you find one. You find yourself coping better but you know for the near future you will need to keep seeing her, no matter how much it costs.
You try to look on the bright side of things and then question yourself when you can't find one.
You find yourself subconsciously avoiding situations, because you know they will set you off and then when you have to face them you are faced with anxiety attacks.
You doubt yourself that you can do things and find yourself questioning everything you do.
You get jumpy for no reason and pray that the feeling with go away.
You deal with people telling you to get over it, its all in your head and if you wanted to things could be different.
You get used to driving 30-40 minutes to see a doctor then waiting at least an hour times, just because he gets you and knows your history. You know he will squeeze you in when you are having a really bad day and that he will listen to you. The time it takes seems such a small trade off for what you get in return.
You learn to be more open about it and you begin to not care what people will think of you when you tell them.
Facebook messages are your worst enemy, especially when you can see if they have seen the message or not and you are wondering why they aren't replying. Did you say something bad? Did you come on too strong? Do they not like you as a person? Have you sent them too many messages (even if this is only your first one!)? Did you make no sense and ramble on too much? Never mind that they might've only had a moment to see the message but haven't got round to replying you always think the worst.
You worry that your too clingy at times and find yourself distancing yourself from people.
Your go through every conversation you have had with people, and even weeks later kick yourself for saying things that didn't come out right.
There are days where the tears want to fall and you let them because keeping them inside won't help you.
You figure out coping strategies like breathing exercises and eventually begin to slowly challenge yourself.
You learn that despite it all you have to keep moving forward and you have to believe that one day things will get easier.
This is my life with anxiety there is a lot more than meets the eye.

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