Sunday, January 28, 2018

When the anxiety won't leave you alone

All the what ifs are circling in my mind and I can't stop them. I want to let the tears falls but know that if I do my anxiety will win and I can't let it, not this early in the game. 
I want to pack a bag and run far away as far away as possible but it's not practical and after all these years I should know I don't have it in me. I'm in a much better place than I was when I last did Tafe, I've been diagnosed with severe panic attacks and received treatment for them, I see a psych every 3 weeks and know the signs but I can't help and wonder whether I will face panic attacks.
I've done things I never in a million years I thought I would do despite my anxiety and I know I can handle Tafe yet the anxiety is telling me I can't and I will fail at it. 
I have these dreams of being trapped in places, my old workplace and the first high school I attended and these have been returning lately. I'm told its due to anticipation anxiety something that is normal yet I long for a dreamless sleep one where I'm not trapped in these places. 
I've had these urges to do things that don't need to be done just yet but my mind said they had to be done or else. It's like my mind is preparing me for the worst, the anxiety that will rule me and take over my life so I need to be organised. I've gone through and repacked my bag for Tafe multiple times, checking the orientation room's location over and over again and looking at the map so I know where I need to be tomorrow morning. I know the time I need to leave by and the time I will most likely leave by because my anxiety will mean I can't stay in the house a minute longer tattooed in my mind. I have what I will wear tomorrow (down to the shoes and jewellery) planned out, how my hair and make up will be done and all these other small (unimportant) details sorted. 
I can pretend that everything is fine but deep down I am struggling to keep the anxiety at bay and wishing it would leave me alone. 

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