Monday, February 23, 2015

Disaster

Disaster is the one word that I would use to describe today. It started fine I was able to eat then I decided that I would earlier than what I thought I would just in case well I couldn't find a car park at the train station cue my first anxiety attack of the day, I drove home and was ready to give up right then and there but thankfully my Mum was home sick so she drove me in. I got there 30 minutes early so grabbed a Diet Coke (well 2 as it was a buy 2 deal) and texted my cousin. The first hour I was fine but slowly I could feel my anxiety getting worse and it was then I was handled with my main task filing. I began to get even more stressed as the files weren't straight forward and I battled until my lunch break to keep my anxiety under control and though my breathing exercises helped they didn't stop my anxiety from progressing (looking back ideally I should've asked if I could've gone for a walk to get fresh air and distract myself more). I ended up calling my new employment agency during my lunch break almost in tears and they were extremely understanding despite having only spoken to them once and that was to arrange an appointment for 2 weeks time.
I returned back after lunch and the decision was made that the job wasn't for me and that ended my first and shortest ever job trial.
So once again anxiety has ruined my life and I am feeling helpless. At this stage I am unsure what to do but I am considering going back to see a psychologist and looking at whether it was just the job placement or my anxiety or maybe both.
I feel like such a failure and just want to work and don't want to be ruled by anxiety!

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