Monday, March 16, 2015

Trying to be Confident

Lets talk about confidence. Growing up I never thought I would be the type of girl who wore makeup everyday yet here I am at 20 years old the type of girl who leaves the house everyday without failing wearing tinted moisturiser, mascara and lip gloss (or some type of lip thing) why? Because it makes me feel confident.
When asked what my greatest weakness is during  job interview I say I lack self confidence, then I say because of it, it makes me more teachable and turns what is clearly a weakness into something positive. The thing is at times I can be confident but when I am people think I am using it to hide something or its the calm before the storm and something bad is coming.
I second guess myself a lot when it comes to things and kick myself for days after making mistakes. I was the girl who used to bombard teachers with questions and get them to explain it to her in multiple different ways because I just wasn't confident that I knew what I was doing.
The first 2 weeks in a new job are hell for me, why? Because I'm not confident. This is what my anxiety does for me, so not only do I feel more anxious in a new situation I also have no confidence in myself that I can do the jobs assigned to me. In my mind there is a record playing 'I can't do this. I am going to fail. I should give up.' and there is no off switch. Then my anxiety starts to act up and next thing I know I am having an anxiety attack and walking off the job never to return (which is what happened a few weeks ago).
I have been told by various people that I have no reason to doubt myself and that I should feel confident in myself of course this is easier said than done.
I may appear to be confident in certain situations but even then under the surface I am doubting myself. At times I am afraid to tell people what I think because I am scared that I will hurt their feelings or speak my mind, as I will offend someone to the point of no return. Sure I can give a public speech fine but that's only because I have a way with speeches yet I don't feel confident holding eye contact with someone I have never met. I will sing my heart out when I am in the car alone but if someone is in the car you won't hear a peep from me due to me not being confident.
I was bullied at school due to having Dyspraxia and being the worst at sport and being clumsy this makes me very self conscious when it comes to sport. I am a ok swimmer yet compared to other kids I am extremely slow when it comes to certain strokes and because of that I hated school swimming (I used to beg to get out of it) because I honestly felt I was being laughed at due how slow I was, same goes for hurdles.
Its funny how something like having low or no self confidence can affect your life in so many ways. I guess this is why I blog, because I am confident in that area of my life because I am not doing it for anyone but just for myself. Maybe thats how I should go about things just focus on doing it for me and if I suceed thats great if I don't I'll keep trying until I get it.

No comments: